Edited//

I think some of you have mistaken my point in this blog post, or rather I did not made it clear myself because I've been receiving so many feedback from many people regarding this.

I didn't hope, or expect anything at the first place. Like I said, I stood by what I said : As long he treats me well. But because he told me that there was a parcel coming, and he sounded as if he was confident enough that that something inside is great enough to change my mind on the breakup. Well, if he made it sound so great...was it wrong for me to hope? Or expect something great?

I don't think so.

But anyways, I've apologised to him because I felt that it was my fault in the whole arguement.

End//


Hi. I'm blogging, and that's bad news.
Because I only blog when I'm sad.

Yes, I'm sad.

Am I materialistic or demanding?

Sigh, you judge.

I have always wanted a Victorian styled locket necklace that can be opened and pictures can be put in. I've always wanted a locket to put a picture of him and I. Something that I would wear always because it would remind me of him...

I remember there was one time that I went to the mall, and I pointed to him in the shop and told him I've always wanted a locket necklace.

For his birthday, I gave him a ZARA coat, a bottle of cologne, and a bracelet amounting to almost over RM1k. But I didn't mind....I knew he had always wanted that Zara coat, I knew he needed a cologne since his finished, and I thought he might need a new bracelet since his wooden one broke. He didn't had to point out what he wanted or what he needed like I did to him for the locket necklace. I just observed. How come I remembered all this...? And he didn't?

A few days before my birthday, he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I wanted to tell him that i wanted a Victorian styled locket necklace.....but i didn't. Because i felt that if i told him, there wouldn't be any more meaning behind that locket. So what's the point? But I told him that I've told him before what I've always wanted...and he said that he couldn't remember. Then, I said "Never mind, as long as you treat me well, I'll be satisfied and that would be the best birthday gift that you can ever give". Which is true, because all this while, all i ever wanted from him is his love and treatment that i deserve.

So I waited and waited. He really didn't got me anything, which I didn't mind, because it was I at the first place that told him I didn't want anything from him than his love. Then a day after my birthday, I received a birthday card from him. Even it was just a card, I was very happy, VERY happy, because at least he did send something in the end. The words inside were meaningful even though it was just a few sentence long. I put the card in my working bag, so whenever I miss him, I will look at that card.

Then, one day we fought and was at the edge of breaking up. Then he told me that I should expect a package soon...and when I receive that package I should decide whether or not I would like to stay in this relationship.

I thought it was a birthday package, which made me even more thrilled than ever. I was immensely happy because my boyfriend isn't such a stone after all, that even though i told him not to buy anything for me, he still did and i was so grateful then. And that he told me that I should decide whether or not I would like to stay in that relationship after receiving the package made me thought that whatever that's in that package was so great that gave him the confidence to say that. Hence, my hopes were as high as the sky could be, thinking probably he finally remembered what I wanted all this while, or maybe something as equally as good.

Then yesterday.....I received the package. When I first hold it, it was as light as a feather. My hopes came crushing down like jumping off KLCC. Sigh. I didn't even wanted to open it anymore, just felt like throwing it away.....but I still continue opening it with my aching heart to only find out that what's inside was not what I've imagined or hoped it would be.

It was clothes for MoMo. From the same shop that he first got me a present from. My first present from him...Momo.

I thought it would probably be a necklace, a bracelet, anything...but that.

I didn't mind that he got that for me. Or for Momo, to be exact.

It's just that i had my hopes so high up, and to be let down that way. Such a disappointment. I cried to sleep last night, and I'm still crying. Opening that package in the car totally ruined my mood straight away, I just went to bed as soon as I got home after thanking him for the package.

You might think I'm stupid for crying, but I just don't like being let down. Why did he had to make it sound as if it was my birthday gift? I HATE BEING DISAPPOINTED! Do you when was that parcel sent? On my birthday. He had the thought to buy that clothes for Momo, but when he was shopping, didn't he had the thought to buy for me something as well?

Yes, I know that in life, there's always give and take, and we shouldn't weigh how much we give and how much we get back in return. But all this while, he has never gotten me anything at all. NOTHING. Only momo. And that was only because he feel obliged to get me one, cause I gave him his Christmas present first. And I? I've gotten him so many things that I've lost count and I've not looked at the price tag at all when i buy things for him. And I thought that maybe this one birthday, he would get me something.......maybe, I shouldn't have hope. I really shouldn't. Then I wouldn't feel this crap.

I really wish now that I didn't receive that parcel at the first place, or him telling me that there was a parcel coming, or probably if he gave me that parcel only when i returned to UK. Then probably I wouldn't have had my hopes high, and not let down like that.

Sigh, how hard is it to get a girl a present? Necklace, bracelet, ring, clothes, bags, lingerie, anything, we wear every single thing there is in this world!

I feel like crap. Seriously.
I feel like taking a day off, because I can't stop crying.

All girls wants to be pampered, every girl likes receiving presents/surprises from her boyfriend. Don't you?

How come I don't get that kind of privilege?
Was it wrong for me to had my hopes high that there was something good in that package because he made it sound as if it was meant as my birthday present?
Was it wrong for me to actually HOPE that my boyfriend would have gotten me something even though I said there was no need for it?

So, am I materialistic or demanding?

Sigh. He's the worst boyfriend ever to have. And why do I still love him?
I just want to go home and cry to sleep again.

I screw up.
I think ym would be so disappointed in me despite talking to me for the whole yesterday.

This could probably the end.
All I could say is, if he wants to walk out on me, I can't stop him. I can't force him to be with me, I can't force someone to love me back.

But if this was given a second chance, I want a fresh new start between us. I'll promise you that I will not live in your past anymore, for real. However, I need you to stop lying to me too. Actions on both parts. I really wish you could see and think the way I do, then you would understand why I done what I've done. But I wish too, that I could see and think the way you do, then I would understand why you did it.

But somehow, I have a really bad feeling that this is really the end. Because he never takes this long to think about us if it wasn't a bad news.

Mum heard me yelling on the phone, after i hung up, she came into the room and hugged her emotionally drained out lil daughter that was crying hysterically.

My mum asked me whether do I really love him a lot.
And I said I do, if not...why would I have done what I've done?

And she said..other people that are in love are happy, but why are you so sad when you're in love?

I can't stop crying. I'm not looking forward to my birthday anymore. I don't feel like celebrating anymore. What's there to celebrate when the person I love the most isn't there for me anymore?

Sigh.
I've lived the moments. I love you.

Good afternoon, everyone. :D
It was raining cats and dogs yesterday, BUT, when it's raining, it's good to sleep in. ^^

Was talking to my mum yesterday while she read to me about chinese horoscopes. Characters, career and love life. The usuals.

But I must say, the book was very very accurate bout my character. It was a good time laughing it off, because my mother was cussing me whenever a negative character was read out and I said "HEYYYYY! You're born in the year of Horse too!" lol.

Read bout pigs, cause my Chu Tai Kor is in the Year of Flying Piggies. ^^ The book says that people that are born in the Year of Pigs believes in fate.

Well, I think we both have fate. Here's the story.

**********
Sometime around October, the Chinese Society organized a Traffic Light Party, which you have to wear coloured shirts to, as obvious as it could be, the colours were RED, YELLOW, AND GREEN. Red represents you're taken, wear Yellow if you're looking for someone, or wear Green if you just want to have fun. Well......I wore GREY. How's that. lol.

But that's not the point. The point is, I went there with two guy friends, one from HK, the other from S'pore.

(Let's rewind a lil)
When I newly came to University of Southampton, there was only ONE chinese guy I thought was cute. He wasn't handsome, just a tad cute, but he gives out this really charming feeling. Someone you would definitely glance twice at. ;) Then I got to know his name was Jeffrey. And whenever I saw him on uni campus, I would ALWAYS, ALWAYS check him out.

Then, I was quite disappointed to find out he has a girlfriend. -.- A really fierce girlfriend that would give you a death stare if she catches you looking at her boyfriend. Let me be clear, I had no feelings to him whatsoever, I just thought...he was such an eye candy.

Okay, back to the Traffic Light Party. So then, at the party, I saw Jeffrey and his crew. Was checking him out the whole night. Wasn't really looking at anyone else that night.

Then, later in November I think? My Penang hairstylist friend organized an Oriental Night, and that was when I saw Eric for the first time.

Now lets touch on the topic "Fate". It was such a coincidence that I saw him on Facebook in the party pictures, and then added him, and THEN, found out that he was actually at the Traffic Light Party too! Dancing with Jeffrey! (Okay, that sounds wrong, I meant he was in Jeffrey's crew!!) And I was dancing with my two friends next to them! How could I have not noticed Eric!? Then, in the middle of the party, suddenly everyone was forming a circle...cause there was a few people breakdancing in the middle. I could only see a black person dancing...which I'm guessing it was Sly, and Eric dancin in the middle, cause Eric likes breakdancing in events -.- (show off. lol. but that's what I like bout him, his dance skills). But the thing is, I couldn't see who was the other person other than the black guy, cause there was too many people watching them and I was at the far back, so I just continue having my own share of fun.

Could you imagine if I hadn't look through all the photos of friends, friend's friend's photos on the Oriental Night, I wouldn't have added him, and Eric would still be a stranger to me?

And at the Traffic Light Party, Eric was actually wearing red. Could you imagine if I actually saw Eric dancing that night, like how I saw him dancing on Oriental Night and be as amazed as I was on Oriental Night? What would have happened next? So I think that if I actually met him at the Traffic Light Party, we wouldnt have be here today, together.

It was all right timing. For me to only notice him in the Oriental Night Party, for me to accidentally stumble across a photo of him and added him on Facebook. ^^

So, what would you call that? :D
But I'm glad I added him on Facebook, because I don't usually add people on facebook. If I hadn't...we wouldn't be together now.

By the way, then later on, I met Jeffrey and his girlfriend. She's nice and friendly, I guess she's just fierce to strangers. :D

*********************

11 more days! The anticipation is killing me! 31 more days! I can't wait.

I'm blog hopping, alphabetically.

And when I hit the letter "O", I felt like blogging.

I realise I've been taking things for granted.
I've taken you for granted.
Maybe, one day, when you start taking steps away from me.....then I'll only truly regret.
But I do not want to regret, I do not want that day to come.

I do not like regretting things that I've done in life, but it's unavoidable as much as I want it to.
But I do know, and I tell myself "At least....I've tried."
And if one day I look back...I would be able to say - I've tried...but unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be.
Life's about taking chances. You might get hurt in the process, or you might get what you've always wanted in the end. But if you don't get what you've been fighting for all this while in the end...well, at least you've tried.

Right?

But how many times do I have to keep telling myself to fight for it? To keep trying and it will change?
My answer would be, as much as I can, because...I really do love you.

But...there's always a "but".
Have you taken me for granted as well?
Have you been appreciating me?

Life isn't bout changing yourself totally. If it was, then who's Carmen?
One day she's this person and next day, she's someone else.
Life's bout improving and moulding yourself to be a better someone.

And I will.

I know I've made so many promises to you that I will be someone better, but I am still the old me, I am still immature, always wanting to pick fights with you. I haven't improved myself.

Everytime we argue, I always say I want this relationship to end, but I truly don't want to lose you. So please don't give up on me. That's one blatant example that I'm still immature in that way.

I actually don't know why I'm writing this, it's not like he reads my blog..but sometimes, there's things I don't know how to say face-to-face but hoping you can see through me and know how I feel.

Although we've been through ups and downs,
to hell and came back in one piece,
I wouldn't change one second of our life together.

I really want this to work out. And I know you do too.
I lliokvee you, Eric.

My feelings are neutral today, and I'm blogging.
How rare is that? :)

If you're in a relationship, and you're always doubting yourself and the whole relationship...this is something you should read.

有人说爱情就像在捡石头，
总想捡到一个适合自己的，
但是你又如何知道什么时候能够捡到呢？
*她适合你，那你又适合她吗?
其实，爱情就像磨石子一样，
或许刚捡到的时候，你不是那么的满意，
但是记住人是有弹性的，
很多事情是可以改变的，
只要你有心、有勇气，
与其到处去捡未知的石头，
还不如好好的将自己已经拥有的石头磨亮磨.

-given by ym-

Find a translator if you can't read chinese. :)
Very very meaningful, it like it was written for me to read because this quote is so portraying my relationship now.

I don't know what to blog actually. I would want to put up pictures of yesterday's dinner - Mum's birthday, but I'm in the office right now, hence no photos to upload.

I still have to upload Karmen's birthday pictures (>.<) and many many family outing photos.
Don't rush, don't rush meeeee! *looks at Karmen*

I can't wait for that day. I have my hopes high that day. I don't know whether it's a good thing or not. Hmmm...
I really miss hugging you, listening to your heart beat. My best birthday present would be you here celebrating it with me. But that wouldn't happen. No more best birthday present ever. :( But it's okay, I'm gonna see you soon back in UK. Can we go ice skating again? Where we first met, where it all started? On the same day?

I remembered that night clearly.

I was 30 minutes late, because I took the wrong bus, U6C. I was there, but you weren't in sight yet, cause you were waiting for me in the car. I called you to tell you I've reached. It was very cold that night, I was waiting on the pavement behind the bus stop; shivering with my new haircut, my new coat from Zara London, my new cute black pump heels that I adore so much, hoping I was dressed to impress. Afterall, I'm meeting you for the very first time, I wanted to give a good impression. Then, a guy showed up, grey wool jacket, with his black sling bag. Very cute, I thought to myself. He looked like he was finding someone, could that be the guy I was eyeing on in Oriental Night party? I called you, and that guy picked up his phone at the same time! IT WAS YOU! I said "Look to your left" and I waved. My heart beat faster and faster as you walked closer. Our eyes met, and we said hi. Long story short, we sat down at Starbucks, waiting for the next batch of ice skating, sipping away our coffees and getting to know each other better. We had a great time ice skating, you falling on the ice cause I pulled you down when I fell down, and you hit your chin on the ice because you were avoiding to fall on me. We went to Oceana for a couple of drinks later on, and you asked whether I would like to join you for a clubbing session. What happened after that shall remain as a secret. ;)

I am feeling gloomy again.
Why am I so negative?
Sigh. I need it out from my system.

I realised most of my blog posts in this blog is about my relationship.
How emotional and depressing.

It's like I'll only blog when I feel sad because I don't like talking to others bout it unless I trust you to not gossip behind my back. Telling people your love problems can either be good or bad as in that person might influence you in making the wrong decisions, and I am a very easily influenced person.

Even this times arguement was sort of influenced by my uni friend that came down to Malaysia for a holiday. The things we talked about made me think so much.
And thinking a lot isn't a good thing because it would evolve to something negative in the end.

47 more days till I get back to UK.
Will we get through that 47 days without arguing again?
This 2.5 months of separation has taken out a lot from both of us.
I'm starting to get tired of everything - arguing, crying, jealousy etc.
Probably he's right that I should look at the prettier side of him instead of always looking into the flaws of our relationship.

1. Him eating my cooking eventhough it's too salty/spicy for him. He would at least take a few bites first before surrending. (I STILL don't think my cooking has too much salt in them. ><")
2. He helps me carry my groceries, and when I offer to take some from him, he would say "I need to balance both sides".
3. Us both being so competitive, always cussing each other, always debating on something, always wanting to win.
4. Him trying to stay up as late as possible to accompany me when I'm up doing my assignments/ studying.
5. Him kissing my forehead/ lips wishing me good night and hugs me to sleep.
6. Us watching Chris Rock/ Simpsons/Family guy/ movies together and laughing away.
7. How he acts like a baby when my fingers brush through his hair.
8. How he comes back from work, puts down his bags, takes off his coat & tie, and cuddle up to me in bed.
9. How he scolded the guys for being mean to me.
10. How he sleeps in weird positions sometimes and pushes me off the bed and steals the duvet! ><

I could go on and on, but it's this little things I like bout him. It doesn't always have to be something huge or blatantly visible. It's small things like this that you take time to see and cherish.

I can finally look her into her eyes and feel that she's not a threat to me.

I miss surprises. Will I get any surprises soon? Sigh.
I'm so tired and worn out, I just want to go back home and sleep.

2.5 hours more to go.
26 more days.

I'm so bored at work now.
Nothing to do at all, looking through Facebook and chatting with Cheryl plus trying to get everyone reply to my texts!

Don't you hate it when people don't reply your texts? I get proper fumed up.


********************************************************
Sigh. Let me tell you a story.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. In a club.
Exchanged eye contacts but never said hi to each other.
Girl goes on Facebook and found boy on Facebook.
Girl adds boy, boy confirms friend request.
Boy gives his mobile number so girl could call him up to meet.
Boy and girl texted each other everyday.
Girl told boy she wants to go skating, but no one to go with.
Boy offered to bring her ice skating.
Girl met boy officially on 18th December once she was back from London.
Boy and girl never stopped seeing each other since then.
It was just flirting at first, then to friends, but something more than friends. Then it was like, which evolved to super like.

What's next?

Boy and girl had numerous fights on his past.
Girl feels very insecure with boy and does not have confidence in herself.
Fights, nasty words, tears, break ups, get togethers.
Girl finally tries to let go boy's past but her low self esteem always brings the past back.
Girl's mum told her that she's beautiful in and out and to be more confident with herself.
Boy reassures girl that he wants to prove to her that girl means a lot more to boy than girl thinks.

Girl is happy at the moment.
But will this happy moment last?
Girl has faith in boy and them.

Girl really likes boy a lot.
But doesn't know whether, her liking boy so much, is a good thing.
Girl has always given her 100%, and wishes boy, this time around, to give his 100% too.

Girl misses boy now. But boy is thousands and thousands of miles away, and 7 hours late.

Not every story has an happy ending.
Relationships are not bed of roses.
It's always tears first, then only joy and happiness.

Someone who has walked the talk .....

Something I got off my work email sent by the Executive Chairman, Tan Sri Dr Jeffrey Cheah.

Something worth your time to read.




Subject: Robert Kuok Hock Nien's notes on the past sixty years

Tan Sri Robert Kuok Hock Nien (born 6 October 1923, in Johor Bahru , Johor), is an influential Malaysian Chinese businessman. According to Forbes, his net worth is estimated to be around $10 billion on May 2008, making him the richest person in Southeast Asia. He is media shy and discreet; most of his businesses are privately held by him or his family. Apart from a multitude of enterprises in Malaysia , his companies have investments in many countries throughout Asia . His business interests range from sugarcane plantations (Perlis Plantations Bhd), sugar refinery, flour milling, animal feed, oil and mining to finance, hotels, properties, trading and freight and publishing.

Robert Kuok Hock Nien's notes on the past sixty years
(On the occasion of Kuok Group’s 60th Anniversary 10 April 2009)

(1) My brothers and I owe our upbringing completely to Mother. She was steeped in Ru-Jiao – the teachings of Confucius, Mencius, Laozi and other Chinese sages. Ru-Jiao teaches the correct behaviour for a human being on his life on earth. Mother gently, and sometimes strongly, drummed into the minds of her three boys the values of honesty, of never cheating, lying, stealing or envying other people their material wealth or physical attributes.

(2) Father died on 25 December 1948 night without leaving a will. Following the Japanese surrender, he had re-registered the firm as a sole proprietorship. We went to court to get an appointment as managers, permitting us to continue to manage Tong Seng & Co. The judge said that, as there were two widows, the firm and the estate should be wound up.

(3) We decide to establish Kuok Brothers Limited. In mid-January 1949, five of us met at a small roundtable in our home in Johore Bahru. Present were my MOTHER, cousin number five HOCK CHIN, cousin number twelve HOCK SENG, my brother HOCK KHEE nicknamed Philip (a.k.a. cousin number seventeen), and myself (a.k.a. cousin number twenty). We sat down and Mother said, "Nien, would you like to start?" I said, "Fine, yes I will start." To cut the long story short, we got started, and commenced business from a little shop house in Johore Bharu on 1 April 1949.

(4) As a young man, I thought there was no substitute for hard work and thinking up good, honest business plans and, without respite, pushing them along. There will always be business on earth. Be humble; be straight; don’t be crooked; don’t take advantage of people. To be a successful businessman, I think you really need to brush all your senses every morning, just as you brush your teeth. I coined the phrase "honing your senses" in business: your vision, hearing, sense of smell, touch and taste. All these senses come in very useful.

(5) Mother was the captain of our ship.. She saw and sensed everything, but being a wise person she didn’t interfere. Yet she was the background influence, the glue that bound the Group together. She taught my cousins and my brothers and me never to be greedy, and that in making money one could practise high morality. She stressed that whenever the firm does well it should make donations to the charities operating in our societies. She always kept us focused on the big picture in business. For example: avoid businesses that bring harm, destruction or grief to people. This includes trades like gambling, drugs, arms sales, loan-sharking and prostitution.

(6) We started as little fish swimming in a bathtub. From there we went to a lake and now we are in the open seas.. Today our businesses cover many industries and our operations are worldwide but this would not have been possible without the vision of the founding members, the dedicated contributions and loyalty of our colleagues and employees, and very importantly the strong moral principles espoused by my mother.

(7) When I hire staff, I look for honest, hardworking, intelligent people. When I look candidates in the eye, they must appear very honest to me. I do not look for MBAs or exceptional students. You may hire a brilliant man, summa cum laude, first-class honours, but if his mind is not a fair one or if he has a warped attitude in life, does brilliance really matter?

(8) Among the first employees were Lau Teo Chin (Ee Wor), Kwok Chin Luang (Ee Luang), Othman Samad (Kadir) and an Indian accountant called Joachim who was a devout Roman Catholic and who travelled in every day from Singapore where he lived.

(9) I would like on this special occasion to pay tribute to them and in particular to those who were with us in the early days; many of whom are no longer here. I have already mentioned Lau Teo Chin (Ee Wor) and Kwok Chin Luang (Ee Luang) and Othman Samad (Kadir), there are others like Lean Chye Huat, who is not here today due to failing eyesight, and Yusuf Sharif who passed away in his home country India about one and a half years ago and the late Lee Siew Wah, and others who all gave solid and unstinting support and devotion to the Company. It saddens me that in those early difficult years these pioneers did not enjoy significant and substantial rewards but such is the order of things and a most unfortunate aspect of capitalism. However through our Group and employee Foundations, today we are able to help their descendants whenever there is a need to.

(10) I have learnt that the success of a company must depend on the unity of all its employees. We are all in the same boat rowing against the current and tide and every able person must pull the oars to move the boat forward. Also, we must relentlessly endeavour to maintain and practise the values of integrity and honesty, and eschew and reject greed and arrogance.

(11) A few words of caution to all businessmen and women. I recall the Chinese saying: shibai nai chenggong zhi mu (failure is the mother of success). But in the last thirty years of my business life, I have come to the conclusion that the reverse phrase is even truer of today’s world: chenggong nai shibai zhi mu. Success often breeds failure, because it makes you arrogant, complacent and, therefore, lower your guard.

(12) The way forward for this world is through capitalism. Even China has come to realise it. But it’s equally true that capitalism, if allowed to snowball along unchecked, can in many ways become destructive. Capitalism needs to be inspected under a magnifying glass once a day, a super-magnifying glass once a week, and put through the cleaning machine once a month.

In capitalism, man needs elements of ambition and greed to drive him. But where does ambition end and greed take over? That’s why I say that capitalism, if left to its own devices, will snowball along, roll down the hill and cause a lot of damage. So a sound capitalist system requires very strongly led, enlightened, wise governments. That means politician-statesmen willing to sacrifice their lives for the sake of their people. I don’t mean politicians who are there for fame, glory and to line their pockets.

(13) To my mind the two great challenges facing China are the restoration of education in morals and the establishment of a rule of law. You must begin from the root up, imbuing and infusing moral lessons and morality into youth, both at home and from kindergarten and primary school upward through university. Every Chinese needs to accept the principle of rule of law; then you have to train upright judges and lawyers to uphold the legal system.

(14) Wealth should be used for two main purposes. One: for the generation of greater wealth; in other words, you continue to invest, creating prosperity and jobs in the country. Two: part of your wealth should be applied to the betterment of mankind, either by acts of pure philanthropy or by investment in research and development along the frontiers of science, space, health care and so forth.

What is wrong with me?

I'm missing you so badly.
I wish you were here.

Kept crying since that day, putting on a smile for everyone to see that I'm alright especially my mum but when I'm not.

I'm suffering. So much.

The separation period has begun.
How long would I take to recover?
How long would I take to find back my smile?
How long would I take to be ready again....to be hurt by you...again?

Will you be hurting me again?

I really wish I could hear your voice and hug you right now.

I thought relationships are suppose to be fun and interesting?
Why has it became like a torture tool to me?

There's some words I wish I had the courage to say without rejections, but I would like you to say them first.
Patience, and I shall wait.

I want to text you now, but it would seem like I'm giving in so easily.

How are you?

I'm so heartbroken. So very heartbroken.
There you are apologizing on MSN..
But it's not making it better.

Crying hysterically.

I don't know what to do...

So heartbroken.

Everyone has their own up and down moments.

Emotional wreckhead.
Yeap thats me.
I could be the most emotional person you've ever seen.

And after what happened to me for the past couple of months, i've grown more sensitive.

Don't we want our partners to understand, comfort and reassure us when we're down?
I know I would always be there for you.

Why can't you do the same....rather than saying I'm inconsiderate?

It's like asking opinions on the dress you're trying, but once you asked too many questions, your partner says "Shut the fuck up! and stop asking so many questions!"

Why can't you be there for me when I'm down?
I just needeed you to reassure me.

That was it.

Calling me inconsiderate was so not called for.
I really didn't need that now.
You really made it worse.

You said that this 7 months really meant a lot to you.
Feels like this 7 months is nothing to you.
I know it's nothing compared to your previous 5 years.
But please stop making me feel as if its nothing.

It is something. Even just a bit.

I'm just another girl.

This questions are for the guys.

Would you prefer small boobs (cup A-B) or big boobs (cup C onwards)?

Honestly.


*****************************

Went to Robinson members' sales yesterday.
Honestly, Robinson's clothes are like really mature and not so nice most of the time. But the nice ones are like really really nice and really really expensive too. LOL.

But when there's sales, well, everything's cheap. Or just cheaper.

Bought a dress and shawls. ^^
Wanted the other dress, but it looks too mature? And it was RM279. ><

It's hard to buy dresses that fit me at the right places properly nowadays. :(
It's just sad.

OMG, I could finally go online at work. ^^

Work's a bore.
Warning to all. Never ever to work in Sunway Group company.

It's a stupid company filled with stupid people and you have to do stupid works.

Got my cheque the day before. Quite nice to finally see some money in my Malaysian account.
I really really hope I could save enough money to get that LX3. :(
Fotokem had this mini camera fair the other day in Mid Valley and they ran out of stock for LX3! :'( The next choice of mine was Canon G10. That was like RM1888!

WOAH!

Okay, I'm increasing my budget to RM1800 = GBP311
That...doesn't look too bad now in pounds. LOL.

In this 2.5 months of working, I'm sure my salary will amount up to aboutRM3300.

RM3300-RM1800 = RM1500 - RM250 (have to pay back mum & sis) = RM1250.

Okay,RM1250 will be given to parents so they could spend it.........on me. ^^

Die die also I will find that LX3! ><

"I miss him. Sigh."

Everyday I tell my sister that on our way to lunch.

I've sent the surprise birthday gift on Friday and the guy told me it would reach before 30th (his birthday) but I never thought it would reach TODAY!

THAT'S TOO EARLY!

:( Spoil my plan.

But I'm glad he liked the present. I've spent a lot of time thinking what I should get him and money purchasing them but it's worth it. I've actually planned this surprise two months before. Glad it turned out to be alright although I really wished I could be there to surprise him with the gift myself.


And he also had an accident today. :( Nope, no worries, he's fine, and that's all that matters to me actually...but his car isn't. No wonder so many things around me dropped yesterday, I was wondering whether something bad was gonna happen, and this came. I didn't tell him that cause I didn't want him to think that I'm superstitious and stuff like that.

I really miss him. I told mummy yesterday randomly that I miss his smell, hugging him.

60 more days till I could look into your dreamy eyes and fall asleep in your arms again.

I'm bored, lets see what I've bought since I came back from UK.

Dresses - 4
Flats - 4 (Gonna get more, saw really nice ones in Charles & Keith ^^)
Belts - 3
Skinny jeans - 1
Lipbalm from Body Shop - 1
Scarf - 1

Total items : 14

(And other stuffs that you don't need to know that I bought it. LOL)

That's it actually. OMG, aren't you proud of me. ^^ Sigh can't wait for my pay to come outttttt (to be saved for camera, not shopping). Charles & Keith's shoes, WAIT FOR MEEE.

I just want to get more SHOES, handbags and BELTS. and more dresses obviously.
I dont know why, im starting to have cravings for heels / pumps that has studs and striking coloured stuffs that stands out.

This is such a bimbo post.

xoxo

I wonder why I'm not understanding. Even my mum says why can't I be more understanding for him.
Maybe I'm just 19. How understanding do you want me to be?

I'm trying, I'm trying. But why do I feel you're losing that appreciation again?

I miss you, so very very much.

I really wish you could have came down to Malaysia. But....I guess there could always be a next time...

I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging for quite some time.
It's because I don't see the point in blogging when I'm already in Malaysia and if you want to know what's up with me, then just call me out and we shall catch up, ain't it?
Plus, most of my UK friends don't have my blog address.

Nothing much lately, just putting on more and more weight. It' just depressing, especially you know you don't have the time to lose it. And you seriously can't lose it by not eating your favourite oily fattening food. This is my last summer here god damn it, I have to eat everything. But for the record, I've stopped eating durian. You should be proud of me, very proud. ^^

When I said I don't have the time to work out it's because I work from 9am-6am on weekdays (make that 7pm, since I have so much work to do! ARGH!) and on weekends, I'm either out with friends or family for shopping. There's seriously no time at all to exercise and burn some fats. Maybe I should always do sit ups before I go to bed. :(

I've been looking up on cameras. Yes, that camera craving is back again. I remember last year I wanted the Panasonic one so badly but I didn't had enough money for it. But this time, I'm gonna make sure I have enough! But the one I'm going for is pretty expensive. Going for RM1630 at the moment, hoping the price would lower down as time flies, but I'm afraid that it would run out of stock soon too as I've checked out forums and it seems that its pretty hard to find it now. :(

It's the Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX3 baby.


RM1630. Gotta start saving. Less shopping, or rather....shop with family, they pay. ^^

Or maybe someone would be extremely generous to buy it for my birthday present. LOL. Doubt there's such people so it alright. It's just nice to just dream once in awhile.

There's only one thing I really want for my birthday. But it can only be given by the boyfriend. Note, want and NEED is different.

I was quite upset that I didn't get to celebrate my birthday with my collegemates last year. Sigh, it feels like after you plan everyones' birthday party (in general) and in the end you don't get any. I know you should just give and not expect any returns, but c'mon its just human nature. (I know you felt that way at least once , once upon a time ago, so don't judge me). Hence, i've stopped helping anyone plan any birthday parties. I feel like my work is not appreciated at all. :( I'll attend them, but not plan them anymore.

Don't know why I'm typing all this. Some stupid sensitive people are gonna be so pissed off by this. Well, my blog. *angry mode turned on suddenly*

One wish, just to celebrate my birthday with everyone this year. Family, collegemates and high schoolmates. As this is going to be my last summer here, I won't be returning to Malaysia anymore. So can I see EVERYONE before I leave to UK on the Sept 27th?

I feel like the distance is taking a toll on us.
I feel so underappreciated.
I hope everything I'm doing now and going through now for you...is worth it.

Do you really appreciate me?
Or am I just some 19 year old teenager that you just really like at the moment..and nothing more after that?
Why do I feel as if I always come last?

I want to feel important and I want to be loved, god damn it! :'(

Sigh. I don't know how long more can I take....

It is result day today.
I am depressed, I can't believe that's my result.
How can I get so low, after that much of effort I've put in?!
Worst of all, I didn't manage to get my Economic exemption for actuaries.
Maybe there's a chance that they will lower down the marks of passing the exemption, but that would probably be 1 in an infinity chance.

Depressed and disappointed.

It's not the end of the world.
Maybe my way of studying was wrong, maybe I should have study smart instead, but that's not my style. Maybe so many factors.

This is just the first year, thank god it does not contribute to the final marks of the course.
Next academic year, a second chance to prove myself. No more slacking, I can do it.
If my sister could have graduated with a 1st degree honor, I can as well. I believe in myself.

I still can't believe I got that result. I can't believe my eyes, I wish and hope that my personal tutor sends me an email tomorrow telling me he sent the wrong result.

I'm going to try to appeal for it.

I realise throughout the years, I've grown stupid. It's like my brain shrunk or something. Probably there was no more motivation to study, no more competitors I'm comparing myself with, I aced my SPM because I wanted to beat Miss. Smartypants Karmen (LOL, seriously that was the only reason why I studied so hard. Thanks Karmen, you should be proud, you've became my motivation). After that, college...I didn't do as well as I thought I would and now this? Maybe its because I stopped comparing myself with others and stop targeting to win over them.

Have I really became stupid. Is that even possible?

I wish I could fly back to UK to see you.
I just realised that we don't take a lot of pictures together.
Sigh. Do you miss me?

I wish you're for real this time.

To like someone that much,
To go through such hurt,
To trust that someone fully....

Is it worth it?

For him, yes, it is worth it.
Mum had a piece of advice for me : Don't act as if you can't live without that someone.
I guess it true. I'm not that easy.

Lliokvee.

I'm Carmen, reporting live from Dubai International Airport.
I'll be back in 10 hours, bitches! SMEEEEEEKKKK. (I don't know what "smeek" is, but I just felt like saying it :D )

Currently sitting at my gate, damnnnn...there's so many people going to KL. Hopefully I have the whole row to myself. :(
My flight from London to Dubai was quite unpleasant.
1. My stupid screen wasn't working - I asked the stewards FOUR TIMES to reset the bloody screen, but it still didn't work. :'(
2. I don't know how to push my back seat down. :'( There's a button on my left, I pressed it but it didn't work also. Then what's the freaking point of having that damn button??

But I made friends/acquaintance with the guy beside me. He's flying back to Perth, just got back from a holiday with his wife to Paris, Rome, Barcelona. (I wish I could travel around the world next time with my future husband)

Oh well, enough of complaining. :D

I miss him.

Every minute I was on the plane, I was flown further away from him. :'(
I should stop being so doubtful. I should stop being so skeptical. When he was driving me to the airport, one of the songs were playing on his player - I thought it was totally meant for me to listen to. The song was basically about putting trust in him. And I should. :)

I'm having a tummy ache. Damn it. *farts* LOL. (No, I didn't fart -.-")

O M G
In literally less than 36 hours I'll be on the plane back to Malaysia!
O M G O M G

I have so much things to pack. :'(
I miss my mummy now.

Stand by me

I'm typing this whilst listening to "Stand by Me" in Sf's blog, and after reading what someone else wrote in her blog..sort of provoked me to write this.


I couldn't agree more, how she changed.
Or how we all changed.
For better or for worse.

We hear news about people getting into weird shocking relationships, and some getting out of relationships.
We hear news of people changing after moving abroad...

I guess we're all growing up aren't we?

Do you remember?

I might be wrong, but correct me if I am...I feel that the closest friends are usually the ones from high school. Because, in primary school, we get 6 years of friendship, but we were still too young and too naive to treasure friendship or even know what's friendship - "I don't want to friend you already!" - sounds familiar doesn't it?

In high school, you get 5 years of friendship. This is when you truly found friends.

Do you remember?

Im going nowhere in this post, really.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that....I miss you all, high school mates. I really do.
I can't wait to see the already now matured, and beautiful young ladies of mine when I go home.

Do you remember?

To that someone, I've never regretted that long period of time of friendship. 5 years isn't a short time at all. I've never regretted it...not for one bit. I'm glad that we were such best friends, but sadly it had to end stupidly. But there wasn't one bit that I've regretted and not miss. I hold a grudge against you as well when it ended and the distance between us just became wider and wider. I miss the times we had. I miss you. Thanks for all we've shared throughout that 5 years, for all the memories we had, for all the times we stood up for each other, for all the times we were just there for each other. Thank you. x

Do you remember?

But after that friendship that was broken, I never wanted to have another best friend. I don't know why. Probably I'm just afraid that it will just end the same, or probably that person can never replace your place.

To learn more, to understand more about life, to be stronger in future, one needs to go through sorrow and tears. Life isn't a bed of roses, indeed it isn't. When you're shedding a tear, do not be sad, you're just a step closer in understanding life.

For tears

For laughters

I dare say that I am not fully a mature lady, but part of me has grown from past experience. The only thing that makes me weak is...love.

But now, I think I've understand more about love. I can never forget what my friend told me about the definition of love - Love is not when you're together with the person in the first few months. Love is not when you thought you were madly in love with him/her in the beginning. Love is only after a long period of time, your feeling hasn't changed from the first day you both got together. Based on this, I would say, I have never fallen in love. I have went through those moments of i-would-do-anything-for-him, tears and happiness, but not love.

Anyways, listening to the songs on Sf's blog and thinking of the past is making me feel so emo now. Argh. I should get ready for badminton now.

Do you remember?

What I have learnt the most in UK is that:
6. Never judge a person by peoples' say.
5. Always be on the fence, be mutual.
4. Don't gossip about your friend, or anyone for that matter.
3.Treat your friends right, even if they don't return the same kindness....at least you did your part.
2. Be happy,don't think of the past, it is the past, don't think of the future, you don't know what's going to happen in the future, you're living in the present, so live the present.
1. Cherish your loved ones, cherish every moment you've got. Cherish and enjoy each other's company rather than worrying what's going to happen next. Cherish and appreciate because you will never know how important that person is until you lost them.

I've learnt a lot of things when I got here. I've went through a lot. I've seen so many other types of personalities of different nationalities. But I am happy that I went through all of this, it made me learnt a lot.

Now, if someone asked me the question "If you had a time travel machine, which year would you go back to, and would you change it?". I would answer, I would like to go back to my high school age but I wouldn't want to change a thing. Because whatever that happened in the past are the ones that made the Carmen that we all know today.

I miss you guys. I miss my family. I miss him. :'(

You know those moments when love songs is playing on your laptop...
You're blog hopping, looking at how happy other people are, how happy they are with their partner...
You feel...a feeling of happiness yet with a pinch of jealousy. Wishing you and your partner is like that as well. Being happy without worries.

But, everyone is different.
Not every couple gets to be happy from the start. Some starts with a rough beginning.

Each arguement we had, made me understood you even more, brought you closer in a way.
You're different. And that's what I like bout you.
You say you liked me for my smile, for my humor.

What if one day....I don't smile anymore?
What if one day....I don't understand jokes anymore?

Would you still like me?

But I know...you'll always be different. In my heart. :)
There's just something bout you that I just can't describe. Those eyes, those lips, that smell.

I lliokvee you.
I miss you. :(

I finally bought what I wanted for a really long time. :)
Finally a feel of accomplishment! :D

There's only one more thing I really want. But its quite pointless to get it on my own, because it won't have any meaning behind it...?

Can you guess what I really want? The one and only thing I really wanted for a really long time, but no one actually figured it out...even with massive hints from me. Sigh.

So what do you think it is?

I am so S I C K.

Sigh, I wish that someone was here instead of there to take care of me when I'm ill, but he definitely has more important things to do. :) I hope everything went well.

I'm going to the hospital tomorrow to check whether I have swine flu. :S
Yes, as bizarre it may seem, I am actually that scared. There has been one reported case of swine flu in my university. And when I told my friend that I'm sick, she asked me to check the NHS's website for swine flu symptoms....and I have all of them. :'( So if I don't feel better by tomorrow....

Anyways, I just wanted to ask, what do you want as souvenirs? I was quite puzzled on what to get you guys as souvenirs, because whatever that's here, they have it in Malaysia as well, just that the branded goods are cheaper. So I bought like the most common thing as souvenir, hope you guys would like it.

Or does any of you want me to get something for someone? Or if you want me to buy branded goods like LV, Burberry, Mulberry, Gucci, and etc, it's wayyyy cheaper here. You could pay me back when I go home. :)

I'll be going home soon, so I would just like to settle this whole must-get-souvenirs kinda thing. So if you have anything to buy from UK, don't feel shy to gimme a list! ;)

I just found out why the guys bullies me.
And the reasons are just....stupid. But maybe its true in their eyes.
1. I'm childish (Just because I like to just suddenly poke people -.-)
2. I don't dress up that well during Sem 2 (Maybe? I have bad sense of fashion. :( )

But it's seriously damn stupid. How does randomly poking people childish? -__________-

I'm going back on the 17th of June.
NOT ON THE 9TH ANYMORE!

I have some unfinished business.
I will tell the story later....when I'm home. :)

I realised after this break up, how many wonderful great friends I have.
I really am, trully blessed.
Thanks..especially to the guy that came to my room to cheer me up, cried with me, and brought me rendang. :) You know who you are. I was really touched when you cried with me.

I've talked to so many people about my feelings, or rather so many of you asked me what happened after reading my blog. And everytime I tell the story, everytime I cry hysterically. No matter how many words one could say to comfort me, no matter how much everyone tell me to be strong, I just can't. It's up to me to be strong. I tried to be strong, it's not like I've not tried. I've tried so hard, the more I tried, the more it got worse. I thought crying the whole Tuesday would make me feel better on Wednesday. It did not. I thought crying the whole Wednesday would me feel better today. It did not again. Even talking to my mum bout it doesn't help! :( (Yes, I told her bout him...finally, didn't thought it would be in this manner).

Some of you might be angry at me for the decision I've just made (which I would tell when I get home) but all you guys want to see...is me being happy again right? Whether its the right decision or not, we'll never know. Not till the very end.










All I could say to you is that, I had the answer in my heart. "NO" was never the option for me because I knew what I wanted. It's just that I'm just afraid to say "YES". But whatever it is, you know my answer now. Yes, we may not know what will happen down the road, and yes, it might happen again, but all we could do, is just enjoy each others' company and try not to worry whats gonna happen. I've been given a chance, we both have be given a chance, lets make the best out of it. :)

I realised that I have not eaten since that day. Except for that rendang. That was my only food till today. ONE MEAL in three days. And why am I not hungry? Or even better...do I look thinner? :D

I'm so heartbroken.
Broken to a million pieces...
I feel that I can't gather up all of them...
It has been three days now.
When will I stop crying?

I really miss him.

2nd June 2009.
We broke up.
My tears just won't stop.
My world is crushing down.

I feel like committing suicide.

I accidentally hit my belly ring yesterday.
And the skin around it is so red and flaking now. Look like it was gonna bleed if I had hit it harder. :(

I hope it doesn't get infected.

Hi. I'm Carmen, do you still remember me?
I actually wondered, does anyone actually reads my blog?
But it doesn't really matter who reads it, because my blog is just a place for me to talk to myself. Yes, I'm lonely and I don't have friends. Sigh.


My final exams started on Tuesday, so far so good. I am planning to get 1st degree honor, so I could break the news of navel piercing and Eric to my parents. Good results is good enough to prove I AM studying here, no?

I was so stressed out yesterday for today's paper : Introduction to Probability and Statistic that I even cried.
But it turned out to be okay, I feel.....relieved.
Well, two more to go. Calculus, tomorrow and Linear Algebra on the following Tuesday.

Can't wait for summer. So many plans. And yes, home. Home sweet home finally.


On some other irrelevant topic, did you ever cried before because of friends?
The last time I remember crying because of friends when I was 14-15 ish. I can't remember exactly when, but it was because everyone turned their back to me.
It happened again, on Monday. No, it wasn't because people turned their backs but because of built up frustrations, anger, sadness, mixed of all feelings finally broke loose.

Remember I told you before that it was always four of us? Well, the three guys and I.

One of them (Lets call him A) kept bullying me, as in degrading me and putting me as a laughing stock. But if you know me well enough, you should know that I don't react to such things, I just play along, because as long as I can take it in, I don't feel the need to be angry or frustrated. But, if I DO get angry, I don't really show it, I just cuss the person back, but slowly, it just builds up.

One of my other guy friend said that he wants to see me cry. And I was shocked when he said that, and I asked him why. He said he's impressed and amazed by me on how I could stand all the bullying from the guys.

The thing is, I am always the only girl with a huge group of guys. Like 10 blokes and me alone. And because A always bullies me, and I don't show any reaction to it, all the other guys starts bullying me as well. Yes, it is fun to have a few jokes and stuff, but sometimes, you just need to know where's the borderline.

So, finally I broke into tears on Monday...and it is not the first time A made me cry. I cried last time, and Chin Bin told A not to bully me anymore, and he said okay. But, there was no difference. The bullying still continued.

I was in the library, studying Economics, when one of my HK friends starts shooting me with paper plane. I played along (continued for like 2-3 times). But after a few hours, A started to throw things at me too. And I threw back the paper plane again.

Then, BOTH of them threw it at me the same time!!! And that time I couldn't take it anymore because I was stressed out studying Economics and they two have to disturb me and make me look like a fool in the library getting things thrown at.

So, I got really angry, and I took one of the paper planes and wrote "A, what have I ever done to you? I have never mistreated you before! There's a limit to everything!!" and I threw the paper back at him, "Read it fucker!" and told him "one more time, and we're not friends anymore" and he was still smiling! Then, I left my table....crying. (This is what exam stress does to you)

I was crying so badly on my way out of the library that I had to cover my face. I called Eric and he was upset that I was upset because this isn't the first time anymore. So he asked me to give me the HK guy's number so he could talk to him about it. I refused, because I don't want to ruin the friendship between us. Then I told Eric that if it happens again, then only he can talk to A bout it, but finally I gave the HK guy's number and A's number. Eric called the HK guy and he said "Oh, we're just having fun." I WAS LIKE " WTF! IT IS FUN TO YOU GUYS! NOT TO ME!"

Then, A said sorry to Eric and so did the HK guy but Eric told them to say sorry to me instead.
When I went back to the library, the HK guy saw me and let out a really big sigh and A wasn't there anymore. Nope, he didn't apologize.

I was cooling down and feeling better until before I left the library at 1 am ish. And I saw the paper plane that I wrote on to A. Guess what ELSE was written on it?


And....it made me cry again. Such friends.....who actually still makes fun of you after you cry.
I sent a text to A saying that our friendship is over and asked him to fuck off, then ONLY he apologized through text. Never talked to him ever since.

Am I overreacting? Or am I right...?
But I'm living with him next year, thinking of moving out. But the other guys that I'm living with next year asked me not to leave. Sigh.

Tell me what to do.
Why is there always such people in life.














On a happier note, I saw him yesterday after a really long period of time. I missed him. It was good to sleep in his arms again. :)

A fresh new start.
A new beginning.
Hope this time, there would be only joy and happiness as we grow, no more tears, no more fights.

Eric and I are official now. :)
14th May 2009.

A recent photo of him and I that I got.
(The rest is with him -.-)


Update:Now, this is the most recent one.
He was wearing the outfit I bought for him! :)

I miss you Karmen.

Why can't I stop crying?
My heart feels like it has been crushed, stabbed a million times.
I really miss him.

Just because we're gorgeous.

My navel piercing. :D :D :D

First up, I like it how the video started synchronised with the background music beat. HAHA!

O M G. I'm sorry that I'm fat okay, I've got like double chin! :( And I really don't know how I got it. -.- Does anyone knows how to get rid of it? :/

Someone said I was a good girl in Malaysia but when I came to UK, I've gone wild. Well, I'm not gonna BS here by saying I didn't. Honestly? A little bit I guess, but then again, I am still the Carmen we all know. :)

I miss baby. Mwahh!! :-*

ps : Those of you that watches Heroes, have you watched episode 25 yet? O M G. It's just sicccccckkkk!! You SO have to watch it okay! My friend just introduced me to a new series (well, not quite new, considering it just finished its first season) called Fringe. It's not too bad either. :D :D

oh btw, don't write on my FB wall regarding my navel piercing...cause I didn't tell my family. :P

Mucho loves! :)

Update.

I might not be coming back.



















in June.
HAHA. Did I scare ya? But do you guys really care if I came back? :'(

My family is probably coming over to UK for holiday. The whole lot. Should be fun. If they do come, then I'm only coming back in July.

And when I go back, I am most probably be working in Prometric as well, because I have been summoned! I am that good. *proud laugh*
But I'm not sure whether I should. I mean I get paid really really well, but then again, there goes my summer holidays. :(
Not sure. I really want the cash though, so most probably I would take up the job again. But could I see you guys on weekends? :(

See so many sad smileys. :( It shouldn't be called smileys either. Should be called sadleys. :(

So that's that. So Luke, if I'm coming back in June, you could fetch me. :P Oh man, long highway somemore. Speeeeeeeeed!!!!!

Oh, anyways, summer is almost here. Time for beaches and bikinis. Which one do you like best?

Just below 30 pounds.

Imagine this in full red and change it to string bottom - 30 pounds.

This is so F nice. But 50 quid - so bloody expensive.

The first two would be better for me, because I'm so darn flat chested. But I like the third's design. :(

I think I'll be getting the second one though.
But do tell me which one is nicer though, might change my mind. :)

ps : Oh, I am getting my navel piercing the end of this month. Can't wait! :D :D

Recent picture of Eric and I :)
This is before I highlighted my hair.

Loved and blessed. :)

Hello there.

Easter holiday is over.
It felt so weird to step into uni turf again today.

Today is such a horrrrribbbbllleee day. Just unspeakable.
I am so gonna get 0% for my Macroeconomic test.
I had 10 chapters, 500 over pages to read, and I just started yesterday.
Guess how many chapters did I manage to read?

BLOODY FIVE CHAPTERS!

F.U.C.K!

Oh well, when I took the test, I couldn't relate what I read to the questions at all. :(

Which reminds me as well, my finals is in a months time, and then I'll be back home in Malaysia! Yippee do. Can't wait. It will also be my last trip back to Malaysia, I won't be going home next year. :S

I feel so sad that I won't be able to celebrate Eric's birthday with him. Any suggestions on what I should do for his birthday?

I feel...loved.
You're the one I want to kiss good night everytime I go to bed.
You're the one I want to wake up beside every morning.

I like it when you just quietly look at me when I'm falling asleep.
Mwah! :-*

Flowers in my hair.

I was one happy girl yesterday. :)

The other day, I bought a pot of flower from Ikea. I love the idea that everytime I come into my room, it smells like flowers and not like my stinky socks, or my overdue tom yum soup.
My room has a can of coke, with dried roses from Valentines.

I am such a pathetic girl that wants flowers (so they can be added to my dried flowers when they....[hmm, how shall i put it?] move on to the next life), that I always pluck flowers from everywhere. But eventually they would die in just few hours. :( (oh mannnn, I feel like I am a plant killer or something)


So, I bought the plant from Ikea and I told Eric bout my purchase.
Eric : So what did you buy from Ikea?
I : I bought flowers...!!
Eric : Flowers...? Why would you wanna buy flowers from Ikea?
I : Cause....I like flowers, and not like anyone buys them for me. So, I bought them myself!
Eric : Oh...I see.

Then, came along yesterday.


There was this guy, called Andy who added me in Facebook.
He asked me out. I don't know him, I've never met MET him before (though I would occasionally bump into him in University, but he doesn't recognise me [my pictures are very deceiving! lols]).

So I said no, but he kept being pushy and ANNOYING!


In the end, I said yes to shut him up, but I told him I would like to come along with someone else (He's friends with some of mine as well). But he kept saying that if someone else came along then he wouldn't be able to get to know me that well...bla bla bla.

He was so god damn annoying that we came to a conclusion that we would just meet up for an hour or two, on that day itself! (Don't he sound pretty desperate to "know" me?)

Then I told Eric that this guy is asking me out and such. And Eric was trying to squeeze some obvious facts into my tiny peanut brain that this guy has some other intentions. But I kept telling Eric that I would only meet him for a couple of hours, plus, in public! Then we started arguing bout this stupid Andy. :(


And I felt so frustrated that I was stuck between this two guys. One keep asking me to go out with him, and the other kept asking me to not go out with him, but if I want to, I would have to bring someone else (but Andy DON'T WANT anyone else to come along).

In the end, I told Andy that I'm seeing Eric and he doesn't like the idea of me going out with him alone, and he matters to me more than..going out with him (was indirectly telling Andy).

But I could tell that Eric was annoyed that I had to go against him. :(

AND ALL OF THIS WAS ON FACEBOOK CHAT! *pop*pop*pop*POP*!
and Eric was working at the moment.


Then, after everything, Eric said he wants to continue his work again and I asked him that is he angry about all this, but no reply. :(

One hour later, there was a knock on my door, and when I look through (there's this hole thingy that enables you to look who's knocking on the door or something....lets called it, John) John, and I saw Eric! (He was definitely posing laa. Wearing sunglasses, leaning against the wall, one hand in the pocket, the other holding TWO bouquets of flowers! -.-" Damn Chinese TV series like lor! LOL)

I was well surprised, cause he told me that he couldn't visit me that week. (Eric doesn't stay in Southampton anymore...but he makes an effort to visit me every week)

*heart melts*


I lliokvee him. :)


Could you imagine that if I actually went out with that Andy guy that day, Eric's plans will all be ruined? (Oh, I lliokvee him even more!)

ps : There's a reason why he bought two bouquets of flowers (guys where got so generous hor!). It was because he liked the white one, but he remembers that I like purple, so he wasn't sure which one I would like more, so he got both of them! :)


pps : I don't know what type of flowers are those, if anyone knows, do tell.

No vase, I put it into a Coke bottle. :P
That's my Ikea flower on the right! :)




*****************************************************

My uber uber handsome baby.

I went to Portsmouth the other day, and I didn't get to buy anything cause all too big for me. lols. But I am like those type of shopaholic that I can't stand it if I didn't buy anything. (but that doesn't mean I wasn't thinking of buying the whole outfit for him)

So, I saw this whole outfit on the mannequin in FCUK.
I thought "Damn, baby would look soooo good in this!"
So, I bought the whole outfit. LOLS!

And the salesguy was flirting with me la. -.-"
But he's quite cute, so it's okay. :D

Glad it suits baby well. :)
He's so handsomeeee! *melts*

ppps : Sorry bout the messy room. lols.








Stupid Andy, I hate you.

I don't know what's on your mind.
It's so difficult.

I bought the flowers because no one buys them for me.
I guess it also says, i should take care of myself instead of hoping you would.

I miss you so much.
More than anything.
I try to be understanding...but sometimes how I wish you could see it in my eyes that I care for you more than you do.

SOLD

CREAM 4" PEEP TOE WEDGES.

Fuck off bitch.
Go play and flirt with other bastards.
You have a boyfriend already.
Stop being such a sadist.

Fucking cunt.

I think this may be more than just like.

I finally gotten my answer.
I guess talking to someone way older and mature...does help.
I'm feeling better. :)



I'm going to Portsmouth tomorrow for shopping!
Bicester for shopping! Still waiting for Aimee to come back to Soton.

p/s: SF, I can't read your blog. -.-" email add: carmyong@gmail.com

THINGS TO SELL OFF

Never worn it before.
Reason of sale: A little too big for me.
Condition : PERFECT. No flaws.

CREAM 4" PEEP TOE WEDGES.
SIZE UK8/41

Perfect with dresses to create that sweet look you always wanted.
Wear it with white laced dress, or with your skinny jeans.

IT'S A MUST MUST IN EVERY GIRL'S CLOSET! ;)

Worn ONCE only
Condition : Perfect
Reason of sale : Too short for me


100% CHIFFON CORSET DRESS.
SIZE UK 8/S

Length from underarm to hem: 24 inches
Bust: 28 inches
Waist (under bust): 26 inches

Very light, very comfortable, very sexy.
Adjustable straps.
Ruffles on the chest area gives out an illusion of a huger asset!
If you have huge assets, don't worry! Because you can adjust it at the back!
Perfect for night out, bringing sexy back into the club!
For the dare devils, pair it with waisted belts and you're good to go on a casual date! ;)

IT'S A MUST MUST IN EVERY GIRL'S CLOSET! ;)





Worn ONCE only.
Reason of sale: A little too big for me.
Condition : PERFECT. No flaws.

BURNING RED 5" PEEP TOE STILETTO.
SIZE UK 7/41 - RUNWAY COLLECTION.

It's so sexy and gorgeous that it could pair up with almost anything you could think of.
Let it be that sexy dress you always wanted to wear for an event but just haven't got the right stiletto to go with ; or probably that hot pants that you were dying to show your long legs with on that night out (because its 5", it makes your legs look longer!)

IT'S A MUST MUST IN EVERY GIRL'S CLOSET! ;)

Ask me for pricing details.
Malaysians, I could ship over the goods. :)
Please spread the news. I'm trying to clear my wardrobe, so new things can come in! :D