I screw up.
I think ym would be so disappointed in me despite talking to me for the whole yesterday.

This could probably the end.
All I could say is, if he wants to walk out on me, I can't stop him. I can't force him to be with me, I can't force someone to love me back.

But if this was given a second chance, I want a fresh new start between us. I'll promise you that I will not live in your past anymore, for real. However, I need you to stop lying to me too. Actions on both parts. I really wish you could see and think the way I do, then you would understand why I done what I've done. But I wish too, that I could see and think the way you do, then I would understand why you did it.

But somehow, I have a really bad feeling that this is really the end. Because he never takes this long to think about us if it wasn't a bad news.

Mum heard me yelling on the phone, after i hung up, she came into the room and hugged her emotionally drained out lil daughter that was crying hysterically.

My mum asked me whether do I really love him a lot.
And I said I do, if not...why would I have done what I've done?

And she said..other people that are in love are happy, but why are you so sad when you're in love?

I can't stop crying. I'm not looking forward to my birthday anymore. I don't feel like celebrating anymore. What's there to celebrate when the person I love the most isn't there for me anymore?

Sigh.
I've lived the moments. I love you.

Good afternoon, everyone. :D
It was raining cats and dogs yesterday, BUT, when it's raining, it's good to sleep in. ^^

Was talking to my mum yesterday while she read to me about chinese horoscopes. Characters, career and love life. The usuals.

But I must say, the book was very very accurate bout my character. It was a good time laughing it off, because my mother was cussing me whenever a negative character was read out and I said "HEYYYYY! You're born in the year of Horse too!" lol.

Read bout pigs, cause my Chu Tai Kor is in the Year of Flying Piggies. ^^ The book says that people that are born in the Year of Pigs believes in fate.

Well, I think we both have fate. Here's the story.

**********
Sometime around October, the Chinese Society organized a Traffic Light Party, which you have to wear coloured shirts to, as obvious as it could be, the colours were RED, YELLOW, AND GREEN. Red represents you're taken, wear Yellow if you're looking for someone, or wear Green if you just want to have fun. Well......I wore GREY. How's that. lol.

But that's not the point. The point is, I went there with two guy friends, one from HK, the other from S'pore.

(Let's rewind a lil)
When I newly came to University of Southampton, there was only ONE chinese guy I thought was cute. He wasn't handsome, just a tad cute, but he gives out this really charming feeling. Someone you would definitely glance twice at. ;) Then I got to know his name was Jeffrey. And whenever I saw him on uni campus, I would ALWAYS, ALWAYS check him out.

Then, I was quite disappointed to find out he has a girlfriend. -.- A really fierce girlfriend that would give you a death stare if she catches you looking at her boyfriend. Let me be clear, I had no feelings to him whatsoever, I just thought...he was such an eye candy.

Okay, back to the Traffic Light Party. So then, at the party, I saw Jeffrey and his crew. Was checking him out the whole night. Wasn't really looking at anyone else that night.

Then, later in November I think? My Penang hairstylist friend organized an Oriental Night, and that was when I saw Eric for the first time.

Now lets touch on the topic "Fate". It was such a coincidence that I saw him on Facebook in the party pictures, and then added him, and THEN, found out that he was actually at the Traffic Light Party too! Dancing with Jeffrey! (Okay, that sounds wrong, I meant he was in Jeffrey's crew!!) And I was dancing with my two friends next to them! How could I have not noticed Eric!? Then, in the middle of the party, suddenly everyone was forming a circle...cause there was a few people breakdancing in the middle. I could only see a black person dancing...which I'm guessing it was Sly, and Eric dancin in the middle, cause Eric likes breakdancing in events -.- (show off. lol. but that's what I like bout him, his dance skills). But the thing is, I couldn't see who was the other person other than the black guy, cause there was too many people watching them and I was at the far back, so I just continue having my own share of fun.

Could you imagine if I hadn't look through all the photos of friends, friend's friend's photos on the Oriental Night, I wouldn't have added him, and Eric would still be a stranger to me?

And at the Traffic Light Party, Eric was actually wearing red. Could you imagine if I actually saw Eric dancing that night, like how I saw him dancing on Oriental Night and be as amazed as I was on Oriental Night? What would have happened next? So I think that if I actually met him at the Traffic Light Party, we wouldnt have be here today, together.

It was all right timing. For me to only notice him in the Oriental Night Party, for me to accidentally stumble across a photo of him and added him on Facebook. ^^

So, what would you call that? :D
But I'm glad I added him on Facebook, because I don't usually add people on facebook. If I hadn't...we wouldn't be together now.

By the way, then later on, I met Jeffrey and his girlfriend. She's nice and friendly, I guess she's just fierce to strangers. :D

*********************

11 more days! The anticipation is killing me! 31 more days! I can't wait.

I'm blog hopping, alphabetically.

And when I hit the letter "O", I felt like blogging.

I realise I've been taking things for granted.
I've taken you for granted.
Maybe, one day, when you start taking steps away from me.....then I'll only truly regret.
But I do not want to regret, I do not want that day to come.

I do not like regretting things that I've done in life, but it's unavoidable as much as I want it to.
But I do know, and I tell myself "At least....I've tried."
And if one day I look back...I would be able to say - I've tried...but unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be.
Life's about taking chances. You might get hurt in the process, or you might get what you've always wanted in the end. But if you don't get what you've been fighting for all this while in the end...well, at least you've tried.

Right?

But how many times do I have to keep telling myself to fight for it? To keep trying and it will change?
My answer would be, as much as I can, because...I really do love you.

But...there's always a "but".
Have you taken me for granted as well?
Have you been appreciating me?

Life isn't bout changing yourself totally. If it was, then who's Carmen?
One day she's this person and next day, she's someone else.
Life's bout improving and moulding yourself to be a better someone.

And I will.

I know I've made so many promises to you that I will be someone better, but I am still the old me, I am still immature, always wanting to pick fights with you. I haven't improved myself.

Everytime we argue, I always say I want this relationship to end, but I truly don't want to lose you. So please don't give up on me. That's one blatant example that I'm still immature in that way.

I actually don't know why I'm writing this, it's not like he reads my blog..but sometimes, there's things I don't know how to say face-to-face but hoping you can see through me and know how I feel.

Although we've been through ups and downs,
to hell and came back in one piece,
I wouldn't change one second of our life together.

I really want this to work out. And I know you do too.
I lliokvee you, Eric.

My feelings are neutral today, and I'm blogging.
How rare is that? :)

If you're in a relationship, and you're always doubting yourself and the whole relationship...this is something you should read.

有人说爱情就像在捡石头，
总想捡到一个适合自己的，
但是你又如何知道什么时候能够捡到呢？
*她适合你，那你又适合她吗?
其实，爱情就像磨石子一样，
或许刚捡到的时候，你不是那么的满意，
但是记住人是有弹性的，
很多事情是可以改变的，
只要你有心、有勇气，
与其到处去捡未知的石头，
还不如好好的将自己已经拥有的石头磨亮磨.

-given by ym-

Find a translator if you can't read chinese. :)
Very very meaningful, it like it was written for me to read because this quote is so portraying my relationship now.

I don't know what to blog actually. I would want to put up pictures of yesterday's dinner - Mum's birthday, but I'm in the office right now, hence no photos to upload.

I still have to upload Karmen's birthday pictures (>.<) and many many family outing photos.
Don't rush, don't rush meeeee! *looks at Karmen*

I can't wait for that day. I have my hopes high that day. I don't know whether it's a good thing or not. Hmmm...
I really miss hugging you, listening to your heart beat. My best birthday present would be you here celebrating it with me. But that wouldn't happen. No more best birthday present ever. :( But it's okay, I'm gonna see you soon back in UK. Can we go ice skating again? Where we first met, where it all started? On the same day?

I remembered that night clearly.

I was 30 minutes late, because I took the wrong bus, U6C. I was there, but you weren't in sight yet, cause you were waiting for me in the car. I called you to tell you I've reached. It was very cold that night, I was waiting on the pavement behind the bus stop; shivering with my new haircut, my new coat from Zara London, my new cute black pump heels that I adore so much, hoping I was dressed to impress. Afterall, I'm meeting you for the very first time, I wanted to give a good impression. Then, a guy showed up, grey wool jacket, with his black sling bag. Very cute, I thought to myself. He looked like he was finding someone, could that be the guy I was eyeing on in Oriental Night party? I called you, and that guy picked up his phone at the same time! IT WAS YOU! I said "Look to your left" and I waved. My heart beat faster and faster as you walked closer. Our eyes met, and we said hi. Long story short, we sat down at Starbucks, waiting for the next batch of ice skating, sipping away our coffees and getting to know each other better. We had a great time ice skating, you falling on the ice cause I pulled you down when I fell down, and you hit your chin on the ice because you were avoiding to fall on me. We went to Oceana for a couple of drinks later on, and you asked whether I would like to join you for a clubbing session. What happened after that shall remain as a secret. ;)

I am feeling gloomy again.
Why am I so negative?
Sigh. I need it out from my system.

I realised most of my blog posts in this blog is about my relationship.
How emotional and depressing.

It's like I'll only blog when I feel sad because I don't like talking to others bout it unless I trust you to not gossip behind my back. Telling people your love problems can either be good or bad as in that person might influence you in making the wrong decisions, and I am a very easily influenced person.

Even this times arguement was sort of influenced by my uni friend that came down to Malaysia for a holiday. The things we talked about made me think so much.
And thinking a lot isn't a good thing because it would evolve to something negative in the end.

47 more days till I get back to UK.
Will we get through that 47 days without arguing again?
This 2.5 months of separation has taken out a lot from both of us.
I'm starting to get tired of everything - arguing, crying, jealousy etc.
Probably he's right that I should look at the prettier side of him instead of always looking into the flaws of our relationship.

1. Him eating my cooking eventhough it's too salty/spicy for him. He would at least take a few bites first before surrending. (I STILL don't think my cooking has too much salt in them. ><")
2. He helps me carry my groceries, and when I offer to take some from him, he would say "I need to balance both sides".
3. Us both being so competitive, always cussing each other, always debating on something, always wanting to win.
4. Him trying to stay up as late as possible to accompany me when I'm up doing my assignments/ studying.
5. Him kissing my forehead/ lips wishing me good night and hugs me to sleep.
6. Us watching Chris Rock/ Simpsons/Family guy/ movies together and laughing away.
7. How he acts like a baby when my fingers brush through his hair.
8. How he comes back from work, puts down his bags, takes off his coat & tie, and cuddle up to me in bed.
9. How he scolded the guys for being mean to me.
10. How he sleeps in weird positions sometimes and pushes me off the bed and steals the duvet! ><

I could go on and on, but it's this little things I like bout him. It doesn't always have to be something huge or blatantly visible. It's small things like this that you take time to see and cherish.

I can finally look her into her eyes and feel that she's not a threat to me.

I miss surprises. Will I get any surprises soon? Sigh.
I'm so tired and worn out, I just want to go back home and sleep.

2.5 hours more to go.
26 more days.

I'm so bored at work now.
Nothing to do at all, looking through Facebook and chatting with Cheryl plus trying to get everyone reply to my texts!

Don't you hate it when people don't reply your texts? I get proper fumed up.


********************************************************
Sigh. Let me tell you a story.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. In a club.
Exchanged eye contacts but never said hi to each other.
Girl goes on Facebook and found boy on Facebook.
Girl adds boy, boy confirms friend request.
Boy gives his mobile number so girl could call him up to meet.
Boy and girl texted each other everyday.
Girl told boy she wants to go skating, but no one to go with.
Boy offered to bring her ice skating.
Girl met boy officially on 18th December once she was back from London.
Boy and girl never stopped seeing each other since then.
It was just flirting at first, then to friends, but something more than friends. Then it was like, which evolved to super like.

What's next?

Boy and girl had numerous fights on his past.
Girl feels very insecure with boy and does not have confidence in herself.
Fights, nasty words, tears, break ups, get togethers.
Girl finally tries to let go boy's past but her low self esteem always brings the past back.
Girl's mum told her that she's beautiful in and out and to be more confident with herself.
Boy reassures girl that he wants to prove to her that girl means a lot more to boy than girl thinks.

Girl is happy at the moment.
But will this happy moment last?
Girl has faith in boy and them.

Girl really likes boy a lot.
But doesn't know whether, her liking boy so much, is a good thing.
Girl has always given her 100%, and wishes boy, this time around, to give his 100% too.

Girl misses boy now. But boy is thousands and thousands of miles away, and 7 hours late.

Not every story has an happy ending.
Relationships are not bed of roses.
It's always tears first, then only joy and happiness.

Someone who has walked the talk .....

Something I got off my work email sent by the Executive Chairman, Tan Sri Dr Jeffrey Cheah.

Something worth your time to read.




Subject: Robert Kuok Hock Nien's notes on the past sixty years

Tan Sri Robert Kuok Hock Nien (born 6 October 1923, in Johor Bahru , Johor), is an influential Malaysian Chinese businessman. According to Forbes, his net worth is estimated to be around $10 billion on May 2008, making him the richest person in Southeast Asia. He is media shy and discreet; most of his businesses are privately held by him or his family. Apart from a multitude of enterprises in Malaysia , his companies have investments in many countries throughout Asia . His business interests range from sugarcane plantations (Perlis Plantations Bhd), sugar refinery, flour milling, animal feed, oil and mining to finance, hotels, properties, trading and freight and publishing.

Robert Kuok Hock Nien's notes on the past sixty years
(On the occasion of Kuok Group’s 60th Anniversary 10 April 2009)

(1) My brothers and I owe our upbringing completely to Mother. She was steeped in Ru-Jiao – the teachings of Confucius, Mencius, Laozi and other Chinese sages. Ru-Jiao teaches the correct behaviour for a human being on his life on earth. Mother gently, and sometimes strongly, drummed into the minds of her three boys the values of honesty, of never cheating, lying, stealing or envying other people their material wealth or physical attributes.

(2) Father died on 25 December 1948 night without leaving a will. Following the Japanese surrender, he had re-registered the firm as a sole proprietorship. We went to court to get an appointment as managers, permitting us to continue to manage Tong Seng & Co. The judge said that, as there were two widows, the firm and the estate should be wound up.

(3) We decide to establish Kuok Brothers Limited. In mid-January 1949, five of us met at a small roundtable in our home in Johore Bahru. Present were my MOTHER, cousin number five HOCK CHIN, cousin number twelve HOCK SENG, my brother HOCK KHEE nicknamed Philip (a.k.a. cousin number seventeen), and myself (a.k.a. cousin number twenty). We sat down and Mother said, "Nien, would you like to start?" I said, "Fine, yes I will start." To cut the long story short, we got started, and commenced business from a little shop house in Johore Bharu on 1 April 1949.

(4) As a young man, I thought there was no substitute for hard work and thinking up good, honest business plans and, without respite, pushing them along. There will always be business on earth. Be humble; be straight; don’t be crooked; don’t take advantage of people. To be a successful businessman, I think you really need to brush all your senses every morning, just as you brush your teeth. I coined the phrase "honing your senses" in business: your vision, hearing, sense of smell, touch and taste. All these senses come in very useful.

(5) Mother was the captain of our ship.. She saw and sensed everything, but being a wise person she didn’t interfere. Yet she was the background influence, the glue that bound the Group together. She taught my cousins and my brothers and me never to be greedy, and that in making money one could practise high morality. She stressed that whenever the firm does well it should make donations to the charities operating in our societies. She always kept us focused on the big picture in business. For example: avoid businesses that bring harm, destruction or grief to people. This includes trades like gambling, drugs, arms sales, loan-sharking and prostitution.

(6) We started as little fish swimming in a bathtub. From there we went to a lake and now we are in the open seas.. Today our businesses cover many industries and our operations are worldwide but this would not have been possible without the vision of the founding members, the dedicated contributions and loyalty of our colleagues and employees, and very importantly the strong moral principles espoused by my mother.

(7) When I hire staff, I look for honest, hardworking, intelligent people. When I look candidates in the eye, they must appear very honest to me. I do not look for MBAs or exceptional students. You may hire a brilliant man, summa cum laude, first-class honours, but if his mind is not a fair one or if he has a warped attitude in life, does brilliance really matter?

(8) Among the first employees were Lau Teo Chin (Ee Wor), Kwok Chin Luang (Ee Luang), Othman Samad (Kadir) and an Indian accountant called Joachim who was a devout Roman Catholic and who travelled in every day from Singapore where he lived.

(9) I would like on this special occasion to pay tribute to them and in particular to those who were with us in the early days; many of whom are no longer here. I have already mentioned Lau Teo Chin (Ee Wor) and Kwok Chin Luang (Ee Luang) and Othman Samad (Kadir), there are others like Lean Chye Huat, who is not here today due to failing eyesight, and Yusuf Sharif who passed away in his home country India about one and a half years ago and the late Lee Siew Wah, and others who all gave solid and unstinting support and devotion to the Company. It saddens me that in those early difficult years these pioneers did not enjoy significant and substantial rewards but such is the order of things and a most unfortunate aspect of capitalism. However through our Group and employee Foundations, today we are able to help their descendants whenever there is a need to.

(10) I have learnt that the success of a company must depend on the unity of all its employees. We are all in the same boat rowing against the current and tide and every able person must pull the oars to move the boat forward. Also, we must relentlessly endeavour to maintain and practise the values of integrity and honesty, and eschew and reject greed and arrogance.

(11) A few words of caution to all businessmen and women. I recall the Chinese saying: shibai nai chenggong zhi mu (failure is the mother of success). But in the last thirty years of my business life, I have come to the conclusion that the reverse phrase is even truer of today’s world: chenggong nai shibai zhi mu. Success often breeds failure, because it makes you arrogant, complacent and, therefore, lower your guard.

(12) The way forward for this world is through capitalism. Even China has come to realise it. But it’s equally true that capitalism, if allowed to snowball along unchecked, can in many ways become destructive. Capitalism needs to be inspected under a magnifying glass once a day, a super-magnifying glass once a week, and put through the cleaning machine once a month.

In capitalism, man needs elements of ambition and greed to drive him. But where does ambition end and greed take over? That’s why I say that capitalism, if left to its own devices, will snowball along, roll down the hill and cause a lot of damage. So a sound capitalist system requires very strongly led, enlightened, wise governments. That means politician-statesmen willing to sacrifice their lives for the sake of their people. I don’t mean politicians who are there for fame, glory and to line their pockets.

(13) To my mind the two great challenges facing China are the restoration of education in morals and the establishment of a rule of law. You must begin from the root up, imbuing and infusing moral lessons and morality into youth, both at home and from kindergarten and primary school upward through university. Every Chinese needs to accept the principle of rule of law; then you have to train upright judges and lawyers to uphold the legal system.

(14) Wealth should be used for two main purposes. One: for the generation of greater wealth; in other words, you continue to invest, creating prosperity and jobs in the country. Two: part of your wealth should be applied to the betterment of mankind, either by acts of pure philanthropy or by investment in research and development along the frontiers of science, space, health care and so forth.

What is wrong with me?

I'm missing you so badly.
I wish you were here.

Kept crying since that day, putting on a smile for everyone to see that I'm alright especially my mum but when I'm not.

I'm suffering. So much.

The separation period has begun.
How long would I take to recover?
How long would I take to find back my smile?
How long would I take to be ready again....to be hurt by you...again?

Will you be hurting me again?

I really wish I could hear your voice and hug you right now.

I thought relationships are suppose to be fun and interesting?
Why has it became like a torture tool to me?

There's some words I wish I had the courage to say without rejections, but I would like you to say them first.
Patience, and I shall wait.

I want to text you now, but it would seem like I'm giving in so easily.

How are you?

I'm so heartbroken. So very heartbroken.
There you are apologizing on MSN..
But it's not making it better.

Crying hysterically.

I don't know what to do...

So heartbroken.