Edited//

I think some of you have mistaken my point in this blog post, or rather I did not made it clear myself because I've been receiving so many feedback from many people regarding this.

I didn't hope, or expect anything at the first place. Like I said, I stood by what I said : As long he treats me well. But because he told me that there was a parcel coming, and he sounded as if he was confident enough that that something inside is great enough to change my mind on the breakup. Well, if he made it sound so great...was it wrong for me to hope? Or expect something great?

I don't think so.

But anyways, I've apologised to him because I felt that it was my fault in the whole arguement.

End//


Hi. I'm blogging, and that's bad news.
Because I only blog when I'm sad.

Yes, I'm sad.

Am I materialistic or demanding?

Sigh, you judge.

I have always wanted a Victorian styled locket necklace that can be opened and pictures can be put in. I've always wanted a locket to put a picture of him and I. Something that I would wear always because it would remind me of him...

I remember there was one time that I went to the mall, and I pointed to him in the shop and told him I've always wanted a locket necklace.

For his birthday, I gave him a ZARA coat, a bottle of cologne, and a bracelet amounting to almost over RM1k. But I didn't mind....I knew he had always wanted that Zara coat, I knew he needed a cologne since his finished, and I thought he might need a new bracelet since his wooden one broke. He didn't had to point out what he wanted or what he needed like I did to him for the locket necklace. I just observed. How come I remembered all this...? And he didn't?

A few days before my birthday, he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I wanted to tell him that i wanted a Victorian styled locket necklace.....but i didn't. Because i felt that if i told him, there wouldn't be any more meaning behind that locket. So what's the point? But I told him that I've told him before what I've always wanted...and he said that he couldn't remember. Then, I said "Never mind, as long as you treat me well, I'll be satisfied and that would be the best birthday gift that you can ever give". Which is true, because all this while, all i ever wanted from him is his love and treatment that i deserve.

So I waited and waited. He really didn't got me anything, which I didn't mind, because it was I at the first place that told him I didn't want anything from him than his love. Then a day after my birthday, I received a birthday card from him. Even it was just a card, I was very happy, VERY happy, because at least he did send something in the end. The words inside were meaningful even though it was just a few sentence long. I put the card in my working bag, so whenever I miss him, I will look at that card.

Then, one day we fought and was at the edge of breaking up. Then he told me that I should expect a package soon...and when I receive that package I should decide whether or not I would like to stay in this relationship.

I thought it was a birthday package, which made me even more thrilled than ever. I was immensely happy because my boyfriend isn't such a stone after all, that even though i told him not to buy anything for me, he still did and i was so grateful then. And that he told me that I should decide whether or not I would like to stay in that relationship after receiving the package made me thought that whatever that's in that package was so great that gave him the confidence to say that. Hence, my hopes were as high as the sky could be, thinking probably he finally remembered what I wanted all this while, or maybe something as equally as good.

Then yesterday.....I received the package. When I first hold it, it was as light as a feather. My hopes came crushing down like jumping off KLCC. Sigh. I didn't even wanted to open it anymore, just felt like throwing it away.....but I still continue opening it with my aching heart to only find out that what's inside was not what I've imagined or hoped it would be.

It was clothes for MoMo. From the same shop that he first got me a present from. My first present from him...Momo.

I thought it would probably be a necklace, a bracelet, anything...but that.

I didn't mind that he got that for me. Or for Momo, to be exact.

It's just that i had my hopes so high up, and to be let down that way. Such a disappointment. I cried to sleep last night, and I'm still crying. Opening that package in the car totally ruined my mood straight away, I just went to bed as soon as I got home after thanking him for the package.

You might think I'm stupid for crying, but I just don't like being let down. Why did he had to make it sound as if it was my birthday gift? I HATE BEING DISAPPOINTED! Do you when was that parcel sent? On my birthday. He had the thought to buy that clothes for Momo, but when he was shopping, didn't he had the thought to buy for me something as well?

Yes, I know that in life, there's always give and take, and we shouldn't weigh how much we give and how much we get back in return. But all this while, he has never gotten me anything at all. NOTHING. Only momo. And that was only because he feel obliged to get me one, cause I gave him his Christmas present first. And I? I've gotten him so many things that I've lost count and I've not looked at the price tag at all when i buy things for him. And I thought that maybe this one birthday, he would get me something.......maybe, I shouldn't have hope. I really shouldn't. Then I wouldn't feel this crap.

I really wish now that I didn't receive that parcel at the first place, or him telling me that there was a parcel coming, or probably if he gave me that parcel only when i returned to UK. Then probably I wouldn't have had my hopes high, and not let down like that.

Sigh, how hard is it to get a girl a present? Necklace, bracelet, ring, clothes, bags, lingerie, anything, we wear every single thing there is in this world!

I feel like crap. Seriously.
I feel like taking a day off, because I can't stop crying.

All girls wants to be pampered, every girl likes receiving presents/surprises from her boyfriend. Don't you?

How come I don't get that kind of privilege?
Was it wrong for me to had my hopes high that there was something good in that package because he made it sound as if it was meant as my birthday present?
Was it wrong for me to actually HOPE that my boyfriend would have gotten me something even though I said there was no need for it?

So, am I materialistic or demanding?

Sigh. He's the worst boyfriend ever to have. And why do I still love him?
I just want to go home and cry to sleep again.

I screw up.
I think ym would be so disappointed in me despite talking to me for the whole yesterday.

This could probably the end.
All I could say is, if he wants to walk out on me, I can't stop him. I can't force him to be with me, I can't force someone to love me back.

But if this was given a second chance, I want a fresh new start between us. I'll promise you that I will not live in your past anymore, for real. However, I need you to stop lying to me too. Actions on both parts. I really wish you could see and think the way I do, then you would understand why I done what I've done. But I wish too, that I could see and think the way you do, then I would understand why you did it.

But somehow, I have a really bad feeling that this is really the end. Because he never takes this long to think about us if it wasn't a bad news.

Mum heard me yelling on the phone, after i hung up, she came into the room and hugged her emotionally drained out lil daughter that was crying hysterically.

My mum asked me whether do I really love him a lot.
And I said I do, if not...why would I have done what I've done?

And she said..other people that are in love are happy, but why are you so sad when you're in love?

I can't stop crying. I'm not looking forward to my birthday anymore. I don't feel like celebrating anymore. What's there to celebrate when the person I love the most isn't there for me anymore?

Sigh.
I've lived the moments. I love you.

Good afternoon, everyone. :D
It was raining cats and dogs yesterday, BUT, when it's raining, it's good to sleep in. ^^

Was talking to my mum yesterday while she read to me about chinese horoscopes. Characters, career and love life. The usuals.

But I must say, the book was very very accurate bout my character. It was a good time laughing it off, because my mother was cussing me whenever a negative character was read out and I said "HEYYYYY! You're born in the year of Horse too!" lol.

Read bout pigs, cause my Chu Tai Kor is in the Year of Flying Piggies. ^^ The book says that people that are born in the Year of Pigs believes in fate.

Well, I think we both have fate. Here's the story.

**********
Sometime around October, the Chinese Society organized a Traffic Light Party, which you have to wear coloured shirts to, as obvious as it could be, the colours were RED, YELLOW, AND GREEN. Red represents you're taken, wear Yellow if you're looking for someone, or wear Green if you just want to have fun. Well......I wore GREY. How's that. lol.

But that's not the point. The point is, I went there with two guy friends, one from HK, the other from S'pore.

(Let's rewind a lil)
When I newly came to University of Southampton, there was only ONE chinese guy I thought was cute. He wasn't handsome, just a tad cute, but he gives out this really charming feeling. Someone you would definitely glance twice at. ;) Then I got to know his name was Jeffrey. And whenever I saw him on uni campus, I would ALWAYS, ALWAYS check him out.

Then, I was quite disappointed to find out he has a girlfriend. -.- A really fierce girlfriend that would give you a death stare if she catches you looking at her boyfriend. Let me be clear, I had no feelings to him whatsoever, I just thought...he was such an eye candy.

Okay, back to the Traffic Light Party. So then, at the party, I saw Jeffrey and his crew. Was checking him out the whole night. Wasn't really looking at anyone else that night.

Then, later in November I think? My Penang hairstylist friend organized an Oriental Night, and that was when I saw Eric for the first time.

Now lets touch on the topic "Fate". It was such a coincidence that I saw him on Facebook in the party pictures, and then added him, and THEN, found out that he was actually at the Traffic Light Party too! Dancing with Jeffrey! (Okay, that sounds wrong, I meant he was in Jeffrey's crew!!) And I was dancing with my two friends next to them! How could I have not noticed Eric!? Then, in the middle of the party, suddenly everyone was forming a circle...cause there was a few people breakdancing in the middle. I could only see a black person dancing...which I'm guessing it was Sly, and Eric dancin in the middle, cause Eric likes breakdancing in events -.- (show off. lol. but that's what I like bout him, his dance skills). But the thing is, I couldn't see who was the other person other than the black guy, cause there was too many people watching them and I was at the far back, so I just continue having my own share of fun.

Could you imagine if I hadn't look through all the photos of friends, friend's friend's photos on the Oriental Night, I wouldn't have added him, and Eric would still be a stranger to me?

And at the Traffic Light Party, Eric was actually wearing red. Could you imagine if I actually saw Eric dancing that night, like how I saw him dancing on Oriental Night and be as amazed as I was on Oriental Night? What would have happened next? So I think that if I actually met him at the Traffic Light Party, we wouldnt have be here today, together.

It was all right timing. For me to only notice him in the Oriental Night Party, for me to accidentally stumble across a photo of him and added him on Facebook. ^^

So, what would you call that? :D
But I'm glad I added him on Facebook, because I don't usually add people on facebook. If I hadn't...we wouldn't be together now.

By the way, then later on, I met Jeffrey and his girlfriend. She's nice and friendly, I guess she's just fierce to strangers. :D

*********************

11 more days! The anticipation is killing me! 31 more days! I can't wait.

I'm blog hopping, alphabetically.

And when I hit the letter "O", I felt like blogging.

I realise I've been taking things for granted.
I've taken you for granted.
Maybe, one day, when you start taking steps away from me.....then I'll only truly regret.
But I do not want to regret, I do not want that day to come.

I do not like regretting things that I've done in life, but it's unavoidable as much as I want it to.
But I do know, and I tell myself "At least....I've tried."
And if one day I look back...I would be able to say - I've tried...but unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be.
Life's about taking chances. You might get hurt in the process, or you might get what you've always wanted in the end. But if you don't get what you've been fighting for all this while in the end...well, at least you've tried.

Right?

But how many times do I have to keep telling myself to fight for it? To keep trying and it will change?
My answer would be, as much as I can, because...I really do love you.

But...there's always a "but".
Have you taken me for granted as well?
Have you been appreciating me?

Life isn't bout changing yourself totally. If it was, then who's Carmen?
One day she's this person and next day, she's someone else.
Life's bout improving and moulding yourself to be a better someone.

And I will.

I know I've made so many promises to you that I will be someone better, but I am still the old me, I am still immature, always wanting to pick fights with you. I haven't improved myself.

Everytime we argue, I always say I want this relationship to end, but I truly don't want to lose you. So please don't give up on me. That's one blatant example that I'm still immature in that way.

I actually don't know why I'm writing this, it's not like he reads my blog..but sometimes, there's things I don't know how to say face-to-face but hoping you can see through me and know how I feel.

Although we've been through ups and downs,
to hell and came back in one piece,
I wouldn't change one second of our life together.

I really want this to work out. And I know you do too.
I lliokvee you, Eric.

My feelings are neutral today, and I'm blogging.
How rare is that? :)

If you're in a relationship, and you're always doubting yourself and the whole relationship...this is something you should read.

有人说爱情就像在捡石头，
总想捡到一个适合自己的，
但是你又如何知道什么时候能够捡到呢？
*她适合你，那你又适合她吗?
其实，爱情就像磨石子一样，
或许刚捡到的时候，你不是那么的满意，
但是记住人是有弹性的，
很多事情是可以改变的，
只要你有心、有勇气，
与其到处去捡未知的石头，
还不如好好的将自己已经拥有的石头磨亮磨.

-given by ym-

Find a translator if you can't read chinese. :)
Very very meaningful, it like it was written for me to read because this quote is so portraying my relationship now.

I don't know what to blog actually. I would want to put up pictures of yesterday's dinner - Mum's birthday, but I'm in the office right now, hence no photos to upload.

I still have to upload Karmen's birthday pictures (>.<) and many many family outing photos.
Don't rush, don't rush meeeee! *looks at Karmen*

I can't wait for that day. I have my hopes high that day. I don't know whether it's a good thing or not. Hmmm...
I really miss hugging you, listening to your heart beat. My best birthday present would be you here celebrating it with me. But that wouldn't happen. No more best birthday present ever. :( But it's okay, I'm gonna see you soon back in UK. Can we go ice skating again? Where we first met, where it all started? On the same day?

I remembered that night clearly.

I was 30 minutes late, because I took the wrong bus, U6C. I was there, but you weren't in sight yet, cause you were waiting for me in the car. I called you to tell you I've reached. It was very cold that night, I was waiting on the pavement behind the bus stop; shivering with my new haircut, my new coat from Zara London, my new cute black pump heels that I adore so much, hoping I was dressed to impress. Afterall, I'm meeting you for the very first time, I wanted to give a good impression. Then, a guy showed up, grey wool jacket, with his black sling bag. Very cute, I thought to myself. He looked like he was finding someone, could that be the guy I was eyeing on in Oriental Night party? I called you, and that guy picked up his phone at the same time! IT WAS YOU! I said "Look to your left" and I waved. My heart beat faster and faster as you walked closer. Our eyes met, and we said hi. Long story short, we sat down at Starbucks, waiting for the next batch of ice skating, sipping away our coffees and getting to know each other better. We had a great time ice skating, you falling on the ice cause I pulled you down when I fell down, and you hit your chin on the ice because you were avoiding to fall on me. We went to Oceana for a couple of drinks later on, and you asked whether I would like to join you for a clubbing session. What happened after that shall remain as a secret. ;)

I am feeling gloomy again.
Why am I so negative?
Sigh. I need it out from my system.

I realised most of my blog posts in this blog is about my relationship.
How emotional and depressing.

It's like I'll only blog when I feel sad because I don't like talking to others bout it unless I trust you to not gossip behind my back. Telling people your love problems can either be good or bad as in that person might influence you in making the wrong decisions, and I am a very easily influenced person.

Even this times arguement was sort of influenced by my uni friend that came down to Malaysia for a holiday. The things we talked about made me think so much.
And thinking a lot isn't a good thing because it would evolve to something negative in the end.

47 more days till I get back to UK.
Will we get through that 47 days without arguing again?
This 2.5 months of separation has taken out a lot from both of us.
I'm starting to get tired of everything - arguing, crying, jealousy etc.
Probably he's right that I should look at the prettier side of him instead of always looking into the flaws of our relationship.

1. Him eating my cooking eventhough it's too salty/spicy for him. He would at least take a few bites first before surrending. (I STILL don't think my cooking has too much salt in them. ><")
2. He helps me carry my groceries, and when I offer to take some from him, he would say "I need to balance both sides".
3. Us both being so competitive, always cussing each other, always debating on something, always wanting to win.
4. Him trying to stay up as late as possible to accompany me when I'm up doing my assignments/ studying.
5. Him kissing my forehead/ lips wishing me good night and hugs me to sleep.
6. Us watching Chris Rock/ Simpsons/Family guy/ movies together and laughing away.
7. How he acts like a baby when my fingers brush through his hair.
8. How he comes back from work, puts down his bags, takes off his coat & tie, and cuddle up to me in bed.
9. How he scolded the guys for being mean to me.
10. How he sleeps in weird positions sometimes and pushes me off the bed and steals the duvet! ><

I could go on and on, but it's this little things I like bout him. It doesn't always have to be something huge or blatantly visible. It's small things like this that you take time to see and cherish.

I can finally look her into her eyes and feel that she's not a threat to me.

I miss surprises. Will I get any surprises soon? Sigh.
I'm so tired and worn out, I just want to go back home and sleep.

2.5 hours more to go.
26 more days.