It is result day today.
I am depressed, I can't believe that's my result.
How can I get so low, after that much of effort I've put in?!
Worst of all, I didn't manage to get my Economic exemption for actuaries.
Maybe there's a chance that they will lower down the marks of passing the exemption, but that would probably be 1 in an infinity chance.

Depressed and disappointed.

It's not the end of the world.
Maybe my way of studying was wrong, maybe I should have study smart instead, but that's not my style. Maybe so many factors.

This is just the first year, thank god it does not contribute to the final marks of the course.
Next academic year, a second chance to prove myself. No more slacking, I can do it.
If my sister could have graduated with a 1st degree honor, I can as well. I believe in myself.

I still can't believe I got that result. I can't believe my eyes, I wish and hope that my personal tutor sends me an email tomorrow telling me he sent the wrong result.

I'm going to try to appeal for it.

I realise throughout the years, I've grown stupid. It's like my brain shrunk or something. Probably there was no more motivation to study, no more competitors I'm comparing myself with, I aced my SPM because I wanted to beat Miss. Smartypants Karmen (LOL, seriously that was the only reason why I studied so hard. Thanks Karmen, you should be proud, you've became my motivation). After that, college...I didn't do as well as I thought I would and now this? Maybe its because I stopped comparing myself with others and stop targeting to win over them.

Have I really became stupid. Is that even possible?

I wish I could fly back to UK to see you.
I just realised that we don't take a lot of pictures together.
Sigh. Do you miss me?

I wish you're for real this time.

To like someone that much,
To go through such hurt,
To trust that someone fully....

Is it worth it?

For him, yes, it is worth it.
Mum had a piece of advice for me : Don't act as if you can't live without that someone.
I guess it true. I'm not that easy.

Lliokvee.

I'm Carmen, reporting live from Dubai International Airport.
I'll be back in 10 hours, bitches! SMEEEEEEKKKK. (I don't know what "smeek" is, but I just felt like saying it :D )

Currently sitting at my gate, damnnnn...there's so many people going to KL. Hopefully I have the whole row to myself. :(
My flight from London to Dubai was quite unpleasant.
1. My stupid screen wasn't working - I asked the stewards FOUR TIMES to reset the bloody screen, but it still didn't work. :'(
2. I don't know how to push my back seat down. :'( There's a button on my left, I pressed it but it didn't work also. Then what's the freaking point of having that damn button??

But I made friends/acquaintance with the guy beside me. He's flying back to Perth, just got back from a holiday with his wife to Paris, Rome, Barcelona. (I wish I could travel around the world next time with my future husband)

Oh well, enough of complaining. :D

I miss him.

Every minute I was on the plane, I was flown further away from him. :'(
I should stop being so doubtful. I should stop being so skeptical. When he was driving me to the airport, one of the songs were playing on his player - I thought it was totally meant for me to listen to. The song was basically about putting trust in him. And I should. :)

I'm having a tummy ache. Damn it. *farts* LOL. (No, I didn't fart -.-")

O M G
In literally less than 36 hours I'll be on the plane back to Malaysia!
O M G O M G

I have so much things to pack. :'(
I miss my mummy now.

Stand by me

I'm typing this whilst listening to "Stand by Me" in Sf's blog, and after reading what someone else wrote in her blog..sort of provoked me to write this.


I couldn't agree more, how she changed.
Or how we all changed.
For better or for worse.

We hear news about people getting into weird shocking relationships, and some getting out of relationships.
We hear news of people changing after moving abroad...

I guess we're all growing up aren't we?

Do you remember?

I might be wrong, but correct me if I am...I feel that the closest friends are usually the ones from high school. Because, in primary school, we get 6 years of friendship, but we were still too young and too naive to treasure friendship or even know what's friendship - "I don't want to friend you already!" - sounds familiar doesn't it?

In high school, you get 5 years of friendship. This is when you truly found friends.

Do you remember?

Im going nowhere in this post, really.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that....I miss you all, high school mates. I really do.
I can't wait to see the already now matured, and beautiful young ladies of mine when I go home.

Do you remember?

To that someone, I've never regretted that long period of time of friendship. 5 years isn't a short time at all. I've never regretted it...not for one bit. I'm glad that we were such best friends, but sadly it had to end stupidly. But there wasn't one bit that I've regretted and not miss. I hold a grudge against you as well when it ended and the distance between us just became wider and wider. I miss the times we had. I miss you. Thanks for all we've shared throughout that 5 years, for all the memories we had, for all the times we stood up for each other, for all the times we were just there for each other. Thank you. x

Do you remember?

But after that friendship that was broken, I never wanted to have another best friend. I don't know why. Probably I'm just afraid that it will just end the same, or probably that person can never replace your place.

To learn more, to understand more about life, to be stronger in future, one needs to go through sorrow and tears. Life isn't a bed of roses, indeed it isn't. When you're shedding a tear, do not be sad, you're just a step closer in understanding life.

For tears

For laughters

I dare say that I am not fully a mature lady, but part of me has grown from past experience. The only thing that makes me weak is...love.

But now, I think I've understand more about love. I can never forget what my friend told me about the definition of love - Love is not when you're together with the person in the first few months. Love is not when you thought you were madly in love with him/her in the beginning. Love is only after a long period of time, your feeling hasn't changed from the first day you both got together. Based on this, I would say, I have never fallen in love. I have went through those moments of i-would-do-anything-for-him, tears and happiness, but not love.

Anyways, listening to the songs on Sf's blog and thinking of the past is making me feel so emo now. Argh. I should get ready for badminton now.

Do you remember?

What I have learnt the most in UK is that:
6. Never judge a person by peoples' say.
5. Always be on the fence, be mutual.
4. Don't gossip about your friend, or anyone for that matter.
3.Treat your friends right, even if they don't return the same kindness....at least you did your part.
2. Be happy,don't think of the past, it is the past, don't think of the future, you don't know what's going to happen in the future, you're living in the present, so live the present.
1. Cherish your loved ones, cherish every moment you've got. Cherish and enjoy each other's company rather than worrying what's going to happen next. Cherish and appreciate because you will never know how important that person is until you lost them.

I've learnt a lot of things when I got here. I've went through a lot. I've seen so many other types of personalities of different nationalities. But I am happy that I went through all of this, it made me learnt a lot.

Now, if someone asked me the question "If you had a time travel machine, which year would you go back to, and would you change it?". I would answer, I would like to go back to my high school age but I wouldn't want to change a thing. Because whatever that happened in the past are the ones that made the Carmen that we all know today.

I miss you guys. I miss my family. I miss him. :'(

You know those moments when love songs is playing on your laptop...
You're blog hopping, looking at how happy other people are, how happy they are with their partner...
You feel...a feeling of happiness yet with a pinch of jealousy. Wishing you and your partner is like that as well. Being happy without worries.

But, everyone is different.
Not every couple gets to be happy from the start. Some starts with a rough beginning.

Each arguement we had, made me understood you even more, brought you closer in a way.
You're different. And that's what I like bout you.
You say you liked me for my smile, for my humor.

What if one day....I don't smile anymore?
What if one day....I don't understand jokes anymore?

Would you still like me?

But I know...you'll always be different. In my heart. :)
There's just something bout you that I just can't describe. Those eyes, those lips, that smell.

I lliokvee you.
I miss you. :(

I finally bought what I wanted for a really long time. :)
Finally a feel of accomplishment! :D

There's only one more thing I really want. But its quite pointless to get it on my own, because it won't have any meaning behind it...?

Can you guess what I really want? The one and only thing I really wanted for a really long time, but no one actually figured it out...even with massive hints from me. Sigh.

So what do you think it is?

I am so S I C K.

Sigh, I wish that someone was here instead of there to take care of me when I'm ill, but he definitely has more important things to do. :) I hope everything went well.

I'm going to the hospital tomorrow to check whether I have swine flu. :S
Yes, as bizarre it may seem, I am actually that scared. There has been one reported case of swine flu in my university. And when I told my friend that I'm sick, she asked me to check the NHS's website for swine flu symptoms....and I have all of them. :'( So if I don't feel better by tomorrow....

Anyways, I just wanted to ask, what do you want as souvenirs? I was quite puzzled on what to get you guys as souvenirs, because whatever that's here, they have it in Malaysia as well, just that the branded goods are cheaper. So I bought like the most common thing as souvenir, hope you guys would like it.

Or does any of you want me to get something for someone? Or if you want me to buy branded goods like LV, Burberry, Mulberry, Gucci, and etc, it's wayyyy cheaper here. You could pay me back when I go home. :)

I'll be going home soon, so I would just like to settle this whole must-get-souvenirs kinda thing. So if you have anything to buy from UK, don't feel shy to gimme a list! ;)

I just found out why the guys bullies me.
And the reasons are just....stupid. But maybe its true in their eyes.
1. I'm childish (Just because I like to just suddenly poke people -.-)
2. I don't dress up that well during Sem 2 (Maybe? I have bad sense of fashion. :( )

But it's seriously damn stupid. How does randomly poking people childish? -__________-

I'm going back on the 17th of June.
NOT ON THE 9TH ANYMORE!

I have some unfinished business.
I will tell the story later....when I'm home. :)

I realised after this break up, how many wonderful great friends I have.
I really am, trully blessed.
Thanks..especially to the guy that came to my room to cheer me up, cried with me, and brought me rendang. :) You know who you are. I was really touched when you cried with me.

I've talked to so many people about my feelings, or rather so many of you asked me what happened after reading my blog. And everytime I tell the story, everytime I cry hysterically. No matter how many words one could say to comfort me, no matter how much everyone tell me to be strong, I just can't. It's up to me to be strong. I tried to be strong, it's not like I've not tried. I've tried so hard, the more I tried, the more it got worse. I thought crying the whole Tuesday would make me feel better on Wednesday. It did not. I thought crying the whole Wednesday would me feel better today. It did not again. Even talking to my mum bout it doesn't help! :( (Yes, I told her bout him...finally, didn't thought it would be in this manner).

Some of you might be angry at me for the decision I've just made (which I would tell when I get home) but all you guys want to see...is me being happy again right? Whether its the right decision or not, we'll never know. Not till the very end.










All I could say to you is that, I had the answer in my heart. "NO" was never the option for me because I knew what I wanted. It's just that I'm just afraid to say "YES". But whatever it is, you know my answer now. Yes, we may not know what will happen down the road, and yes, it might happen again, but all we could do, is just enjoy each others' company and try not to worry whats gonna happen. I've been given a chance, we both have be given a chance, lets make the best out of it. :)

I realised that I have not eaten since that day. Except for that rendang. That was my only food till today. ONE MEAL in three days. And why am I not hungry? Or even better...do I look thinner? :D

I'm so heartbroken.
Broken to a million pieces...
I feel that I can't gather up all of them...
It has been three days now.
When will I stop crying?

I really miss him.

2nd June 2009.
We broke up.
My tears just won't stop.
My world is crushing down.

I feel like committing suicide.